I've got my eye on you

The countdown to Paris Hilton reporting for incarceration is reaching a crescendo of ecstatic anticipation. 

But there is a sober side to locking up sex-tape superstar Paris. 

Think about this.  But for the grace of God, you could be the person forced to share a cell and sleep within sniff distance of where Paris does her stinky business.

High-school track star Allison Stokke became an unwitting web celeb when video of her using a pole to jump over a bar and then using her natural good-nature and winning smile to disarm a pesky interviewer became an unexpected Internet sensation.

Click on the screen to see video of how that happened.

After half a million hits and counting, Allison now wishes everyone would just leave her alone. Allison should win a medal for that attitude. Instead, here she is again. Thanks to BuzzFeed for spreading the Stokke story. 

When the four Ramones brothers dragged their scraggly carcasses onto the stage of CBGBs back in the waning 1970s, who would have thought that only one of them would be alive 30 years later to witness the celebratory energy of the movie Punk's Not Dead.

From filmmaker Susan Dynner, this documentary emmersion into the "sweaty underground clubs, backyard parties, recording studios, and yes, shopping malls and stadium shows where punk rock music and culture continue to thrive" will be a great evening out for young emos and their burn-out uncles alike.

The movie's good enough for No Doubt's Adrian Young and his wife, who attended the Los Angeles premiere.



P.S. No need to point out that the Ramones were not really brothers.

It used to be that only around Christmastime did boys and girls need to worry about an all-seeing, seemingly benevolent commercial interest (talkin' 'bout Santa) watching to see if we'd been good or we'd been bad.

Now, thanks to the omniscient Google Maps, every day is one of relentless, heartless, intrusive scrutiny.

In a feat of technology that is simultaneously amazing and terrifying, the Internet's most ambitious search engine has upgraded their mapping service.  Users can zoom in on a neighborhood with enough clarity and precision to see through windows, recognize faces and read license plates.

Cyber-stalking is slithering toward a whole new reality.  A creep won't even have to leave the keyboard to follow the prey.  And if creep does leave keyboard, all the other pervs online will be there as witnesses.

Unlike that portion of young Hollywood that wins its fame with headline roles in sex videos, bathroom drug photos and DUI reports, the cast of High School Musical 2 earn their celebrity through raw talent, hard work and enthusiasm.

But ever-vigilant Just Jared has captured evidence of a secret on-set vice.  Zac Efron, Vanessa Hudgens, Monique Coleman and Ashley Tisdale all seem to be prone to gulping their milk a little faster than good manners would dictate.

Try not to imagine what kind of chalky, white substance would be on the upper lip of Paris Hilton, Nicole Richie or Lindsay Lohan.

Instead, picture the debut of High School Musical 2, coming Friday August 17 on the Disney Channel.

Maybe because they have a shortage of Lindsay Lohans over there in Japan, the Tokyo marketing industry has begun pushing non-alcoholic beer on children.

Click on the screen to witness the cream of Japanese youth savoring real fizz and a pretend buzz.

Thanks to Buzzfeed for giving the bottoms up on this refreshing trend in preteen socialization.

Although a self-proclaimed lesbian punk rocker would seem to be a friend of homosexuals, The Gossip frontwoman Beth Ditto defies convention even in the world of the unconventional. 

A naked Ditto graces the cover of the current NME magazine.  Inside, the big girl is a little less than graceful about tearing gay males a new hole for their role in promoting the rail-thin feminine ideal.  "If there's anyone to blame for size zero, it's not women.  Blame gay men who work in the fashion industry and want these woman as dolls."

Beth includes the likes of Paris Hilton and Posh Spice as co-conspirators in the gay male cabal to keep women pathological thin.  She gives a pass to her friend, the size-0 model Kate Moss.

Beth's ability to split hairs between Posh, Paris and Moss maybe why she was named coolest person in rock by NME last year.

Some moms are just more daring than others, and super-matronly Angelina Jolie certainly ranks among the most adventurous.  The tabloid eye has come to expect great bravado from mother Jolie, who swiped the father-to-be of her one biological baby while he was still married to another woman -- which is a thrill-seeking feat in anyone's book.

Ever-vigilant Just Jared captures Angelina indoctrinating a pair of her kids into the joys of lounging dangerously at a marine theme park in France.

No children or animals were harmed in this photo, and let's assume none were ever in any serious peril.

All the same, being close enough to a killer whale's gaping maw that you could smell its meat-eating breath must have been a jolt for five-year-old Maddox and three-year-old Pax.

Those boys are a pair of adreniline junkies in the making.

If educators are truly serious about indoctrinating young minds into the joys and enrichment of literature, then they might want to pass around some Japanese comic books to the student body.

Thanks to Buzzfeed and PopCultureShock for collecting a head-turning batch of Shakespeare-inspired manga tales.

Does the tragedy of Romeo and Juliet lose any of its life's lessons if Romeo is re-cast as a midriff-baring Asian rock gawd?  Who cares, as long as Juliet seems to have raided one of Audrey Kitching's closets and rides around Tokyo on a lime-green scooter.

Don't hate Rachel Smith because she's beautiful.  Or because she was crowned Miss USA, and none of the rest of us were.  Hate her, if you must, because her self-confidence is so supreme that after falling on her assets in front of the entire television universe, Rachel is instantly back on her feet and smiling as if she had slipping had been part of the script.

Click on the picture to see a study in resiliency.

After five years of smooth relationship sailing, Russian tennis ex Anna Kournikova and her romantic other half, Spanish crooner Enrique Iglesias, have hit the rocks.  Opportunistic optimists such as Hollywood Tuna see Anna's shedding of Enrique as a cause for hope, however irrational that hope may be. 

More sober minds might wonder:  If Anna Kournikova is single, who among us has hopes of being a couple?

But on the positive side, for those whose taste in musical personalities veers to the smooth, suave, Latin end of the spectrum: Enrique is now on the market.

The media can paint a skewed picture of anyone.  Even Mother Theresa had some bad press; so it's no wonder that popped-tart Britney Spears feels the need to address public perception of her situation.

The ever-vigilant Just Jared has captured the entire text of Britney's latest message to her fans.

America's favorite lip-synching fashion mockery defends herself against allegations of playing the victim, being drepressed or substance-impaired, and of acting the b****.

Has Britney finally grasped sanity by the horns?  Or is she completely bananas?

This weekend brings at least three disparate releases for movie-going buddies and mates to fight over. Chanes are somebody will feel as if they are being forced to walk the plank.

Click the screens for trailers.



Pirates of the Caribbean 3: At World's End will show just how far Johnny Depp is willing to go to secure the universal record for most blockbuster opening of a movie ever.




Quiver-lipped Ashley Judd is at her best playing the part of a distressed beauty.  The director of Bug won an Academy Award and scared the bejesus into a generation of movie fans with The Exorcist.  Expect something bad to happen, and do not be disappointed.




For cinema with a continental twist, fight for your right to be saved by Angel-A.  Filmed in Paris in 2005, this unearthly concoction is just now reaching American shores.  It's in black-and-white, and in French; so expect to read subtitles and to want a cigarette while you do that.

Some things are better off not thinking about. Such as those sushi bars where the fish comes out on a conveyor belt and circles out through hungry diners at the sushi bar. What if one of those creatures in the squid rolls was not quite dead? What would that squid see? This video (click on the screen to see) gives the squid's eye view.

Think about it how that squid feels, but not so long that you get dizzy.

Thanks to Metafilter for this tip.

Usually, celebrities wait until they've been caught in a sex scandal, drug mess or embezzlement scheme before becoming Christians, but Mary-Kate Olsen is turning to Jesus ahead of the game.  New York's Post reports that the more-functional half of the Olsen twins is signed to join the cast of Showtime's absurd marijuana drama Weeds as a devout Christian lass who becomes the lust object of a suburban pot dealer's son, as played by Hunter Parrish.

Rather than crawl into a cave and lick her wounds due to criticism for having a limited vocal range on the concert stage, fiesty English warbler Lily Allen teamed up for a live duet with grandmotherly Deborah Harry of the long-gone new wave band Blondie.

Ms. Harry has been often lauded for her quirky glamour, far more often than for her singing prowess.

Lily Allen recently entertained fans and Internet gossip sites with web postings from the road worrying that she was too fat.  The poor cow has no need to fret.

Allen and regular-girl songbird Harry can take solace in knowing that no matter what kind of heavy future lies in wait for their body issues, vocally they will be lightweights for life.

Some coincidences are too strange not to have deeper meaning.  For instance, the ABC television network announced today that saber-jawed Rosie O'Donnell will not return to her fortified chair on The View.  Simultaneously, news reports emerged from Alabama stating that an 11-year-old boy had killed a 1,051-pound hog with a handgun.

The oddest aspect of this story is that the big pig had an ABC pink slip shoved up its sow's ear.

Wildlife officials in Florida have declared war on oversized Gambian pouched rats that have been breeding like -- well, like -- rats in a remote section of the Florida Keys.

The rodents, which can grow to the size of a typical domestic cat, were being raised as exotic pets by a swamp-dwelling entrepreneur.   A few of the animals escaped and have now ruined the living arrangement for the rest of them.

The rats have been splashing around and sunning in Florida for approximately the past eight years.  Wildlife officials were slow to launch an extermination campaign.  They initially assumed the animals hailed from New York City and were only vacationing in the Keys for the winter.

By now, unless you are living in a dial-up world and your phone has been turned off, you know that the CBS television network has been inundated by tons of nuts sent in by viewers of the cool sci-fi series Jericho.

The salty delicacies are being mailed to CBS by Jericho fans in protest for the cancellation of the series.

It hasn't taken long for the American entrepreneurial spirit to show itself in the nuts protest.  In fact, a nut supply website is currently running a Jericho-protest special offer.

What should CBS do with this surplus of nuts?  Take a quick poll.

The achingly anticipated Honda Civic Tour has finally begun its twist through the American heartland.  Anyone who has plans to attend for the joy of Fall Out Boy should be warned that the show's surprise beginning will be totally ruined with a single viewing of the video link in this post.

But the show starter will still be awesome, just for the look on Pete Wentz's face.



Click on the picture to see.

Do you have an older uncle or -- God forbid --  a parent who every time a new Paramore song comes out of your computer, steps in and says, "You don't know what punk rock is.  I was there at the beginning, and I could tell you...."?

Now, instead of zoning out and cursing under your breath, simply open a new tab and go to the Operation Phoenix Records online archive of original punk zines.

Zines, in case you don't know, were what kids did to commemorate their musical passions before there was such a thing as an Internet.  A zine was generally the product of one or a few obsessed scenesters who typed up, laid out and photo-copied their extremely independent publications on a budget of about eighteen dollars.

Ancient issues of Flipside, Suburban Voice, Maximumrocknroll and Heartattack have been painstakingly scanned and uploaded page by page into the Operation Phoenix archive.

Set your elder relative down in front of the computer screen, and go out to that Cute Is What We Aim For show knowing the old thing will still be sitting in the same place when you return.

However, if you come back home and the old punk you call your own is all crotchety because there is no Slash magazine or Sniffing Glue on the Operation Phoenix page, then you've got a real problem child on your hands. 

Good luck with that.



Thanks to MetaFilter for tipping Buzznet to the archive.

Prior to being sentenced to jail for wanton disregard for the laws of decency, XXX-DVD superstar Paris Hilton complained that she was only being arrested because police were only pulling her over in order to be near her hotness.

Now, as spotted by keen-eyed Hollywood Tuna, it looks like Jessica Alba has the same issue! 

What's your call?  Is Jessica Albo so hot that she cannot drive a car without being harassed by testosterone-infused males with badges?  Or did she just pull a California stop?

It's no coincidence if this photo of actor David Duchovny, as captured by ever-vigilant Just Jared, brings back memories of your father lounging around in his underwear watching The X-Files on TV.  Duchovny played FBI agent Fox Mulder on that show of spacey mystery.

He's stripped to his shorts as a promo shot for a new Showtime series about a messed-up, good-looking dude in middle-age.  If your underwearing dad has cable, look for Californication starting in August.

A guy this old posing in his underpants?  Take the poll:  Is he sexy or misdirected?

The boundaries of FanFic have never seemed more limitless than after a quick look at www.fanlib.com.  FanLib is like a giant clearing house of imaginary narratives based upon real-life celebrities, personalities from popular literature and characters from leading television shows and films.

But there seems to be a catch.

FanLib's creators immediately ran into trouble with fans critical of FanLib's plans to turn profits on their freely provided fan fiction with no compensation to the authors, beyond t-shirts and prizes. Fan fiction writers were also unhappy at a clause where FanLib owned the rights to any fiction they posted...

And also a backlash.  Read all about it here.

And then answer this simple poll:  FanFic: Can it be written for love and for money?

Loose lips sink ships, and they can also spring a leak in the most water-tight of marriages.  As spotted by the keen-eyed Hollywood Tuna, Underworld actress Kate Beckinsale seems to be shooting from the lip a bit more than common sense might call for.

Kate has reportedly complained to the press that her movie director husband, Len Wiseman (Live Free or Die Hard), is so busy that no romance remains in their relationship.

Is it smart for a person to go public with complaints about dissatisfaction with their mate?  Or is Kate just asking for trouble?

Take our poll and let the world know.

Some movie starlets are more desperate for the validation of a famous male on the arm than others, and ever-vigilant Just Jared has captured Cameron Diaz looking particularly vulnerable.

Certainly Shrek has a sweetness, loyalty and sense of humor to recommend him as a romantic partner, but he's an ogre.

What will Cameron stoop to next?  The Geico Lizard?  The Budweiser Frogs?  Richard Grieco?

Take our poll and let the world know.

The ever-provocative Clint Catalyst has become one of Buzznet's favorite Ministers of Cultural Affairs by reporting from the front lines of fanatastic creative endeavor.  Clint's fashion perspective and photographic marvels are joys to behold. 

Now, the self-professed mixed-media "slasher" has reached new heights of informational fun and relevance with a three-part video report from the Ultra-Fabulous: Beyond Drag portion of California's Silver Lake Film Festival. 



Click on any screen to enjoy Clint's on-the-scene, of-the-scene interviews with filmmakers, movie stars, drag stars and one iconic woman whose very existence is inspiration and muse to anyone who would celebrate the nobility of outsider beauty.



Ultra-Fabulous: Beyond Drag is a tribute to "the other" among us.  We all have a bit of this other within us.  So take a look at Clint's dispatches from an unconventional world.  It just might seem more like the place you come from than you would have imagined.

Like any band, the ideal venue for 30 Seconds to Mars would be at a barbeque in your best friend's backyard, providing your friend's yard was large enough to accommodate several thousand rabid followers of field commander Jared Leto.  That simple formula is the basis of Los Angeles radio station KROQ's annual Weenie Roast, held this past weekend.

Unlike the backyard barbeque at your friends place, KROQ's party didn't have a homemade slip-and-slide, pervy old neighbors party-crashing from up the block or a line for the bathroom that got progressively longer as the keg became progressively emptier.

On the plus side, the Weenie Roast did have Social Distortion, Bad Religion and too many others to mention playing in the shadows of the luminescent Mr. Leto.

It's not quite worth running away from home about, but close.

Any curious girls or boys who ever undressed a Barbie doll couldn't help but notice that the doll's chest is not anatomically correct to the rest of us, unless you are Victoria Beckham.

As spotted in a see-through shirt by the keen-eyed Hollywood Tuna surveillance tool, the woman formerly known as Posh Spice has apparently had her nipples surgically removed.

Hopefully Vic's two sons were through breast feeding before Mom had the operation.

Superstar cinema actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are just like any other unmarried parents of three.  Occasionally, as captured by ever-vigilant Just Jared, Mom and Dad share a moment of very attractive befuddlement.  Brad and Angelina, while keeping on a face of public glamour for the Cannes Film Festival screening of A Mighty Heart might also be wondering, Where in hell did we put those kids?  Or, What made us think we wanted children in the first place? Or, Was it really such a good idea to have Jennifer Aniston over to babysit?

Stories about Lindsay Lohan have been flooding the tabloids for months.  One of the oddest appeared in Star magazine at the end of April.  According to unnamed sources, Lindsay attended a party at the home of Los Angeles model Lauren Hastings while Lauren was out of town.  When Lindsay left the party, she supposedly took $10 thousand of Miss Hastings's clothing with her.

Neither Lindsay Lohan nor her camp have given these claims any credence, and TMZ has reported that the Los Angeles County District Attorney's office has declined to pursue felony charges.  None of this has dampened Lauren's desire to tell her story. 

Hastings recently visited Buzznet's offices.  If the resultant video makes nothing else clear, it shows that Lauren Hastings believes she has been deeply wronged by Lindsay Lohan.

Click on the screen to play the video.



Though this video can't be said to prove that Lindsay Lohan removed items totaling ten grand from Lauren's apartment, it does offer a compelling statement from a young lady who feels betrayed and hurt by someone she thought was her friend.

Investigative and supplemental-property-loss reports filed with the Los Angeles Police Department indicate that Lauren was indeed robbed.  Articles in Star magazine establish that sources behind the scenes have fingered Lohan as the culprit, and that Lohan's friend Nicole Richie bears a grudge toward Lauren Hastings due to romantic jealousy.


Click on the tumbnails to better peruse these documents.

The Star is careful to stop short of accusing Lindsay Lohan of theft, and the copies of police reports on hand do not mention the actress.

But Lauren Hastings insists that the thief was Lohan.  To build her case, Lauren supplies a collection of photos that she says show the freckled star flaunting clothing that was removed from the model's closet. 



View the pictures full size and see what you think.





The world will probably never see if these photos of Lindsay and Lauren wearing Ksubi jeans can stand up to the evidentiary standards of Court TV.




Text etiquette is obviously not a strong point of the authors of the above messages to Lauren -- reputedly from Nicole Richie and Samantha Ronson, reacting to accusations that Lindsay had stolen Lauren's clothing.

Click any thumbnail for a full-size image.

Messages texted to Lauren prior to "the incident," from one Lindsay L, are composed with an entirely more  convivial tone.
 


But any relationship between Lauren and Lindsay has obviously soured.  The "housesitter" who was taking care of Lauren's apartment the night the clothing vanished has her own particular insight, posted on Live Journal.




For all the information, materials and statements that have been provided by Lauren Hastings, by her "housesitter" and by "unnamed sources," the L.A. District Attorney has declined to pursue any further investigation. 

But what if you were the judge.  Take our poll, and let the world be the jury.  Have you seen enough to issue a warrant on Lindsay?

The box-office wars have been called off this weekend.

Resistance against the Shrek the Third juggernaut would both futile and sheer lunacy.



Of course, a weekend wouldn't be a weekend without more than one movie being released.  But film-goers who are looking to argue for a show other than Shrek the Third will be hard-pressed for material.

The slate of so-called competing releases reads like a list of cinematic sacrificial lambs:

Brooklyn Rules seems to have been conceived as a subplot to a slow episode of Entourage.

Even Money is an ensemble drag about middle-aged gambling addicts.

Private Property explores the emotional trauma of a family torn apart by divorce.  In French.

Memories of Tomorrow comes from Japan.

All hail Shrek the Third.

Despite a combination of deft surgery and lotto genetics that has made Jessica Simpson one of the most recognizable pairs in the tabloid universe, she is no longer half of a couple.

As captured by the ever-vigilant Just Jared, ex MTV Newlywed Jessica and her boyfriend of late, John Mayer, have split like a headache.

This is the heartache that happens when a girl goes out with a guy who uses more hair products than she does.

Any fans of divine retribution and deserved karma can now begin banging their heads against a brick wall.  Keen-eyed Hollywood Tuna is reporting that Paris Hilton's 45-day jail sentence has been cut in half.

Also, those in the home-viewing audience who had been entertaining visions of Paris's shower-time antics with hard-core brutish female convicts will be disappointed to learn that XXX-rated video superstar Hilton will be kept separate from the general population.  Just like in her real life.

Is this reduction in sentence a travesty of justice, or just Paris as usual?  Take our poll.

Singer-provocateur Avril Lavigne is probably the last famous chick who fans would expect to see participating in a patriarchal ranking of female sexual attributes, as typified by the Hot 100 list from Maxim magazine.

But not only was the punky Canadian sprite inserted in the #15 slot on the Maxim appraisal, she was captured by the ever-vigilant Just Jared attending the party to celebrate Maxim's archaic exercise in male chauvinism.

Never fear that Ms. Lavigne has strayed from her middle-finger-flipping roots.  Avril arrived at the New York City soiree in her own signature style, including eyeliner in the mode of Pete Wentz.  Making no concessions to the cleavage-and-butts aesthetic that filled out so much of the rest of the Hot 100, Avril also refused to give any indication that she was having a good time.

If your sense of fashion mirrors Avril Lavigne's passion, take a stab at being her new merch model here.

And take our poll to tell the world if Avril is a hypocrite or an undercover activist.

When the students at Fresno, California's Roosevelt High School elected their latest prom queen, they took the term "queen" literally.  Standing 6-4 in a pair of larger-than-average prom heels, high-school glamour-puss Johnny Vera was crowned this past weekend as Fresno's first ever transgendered prom queen.

In electing a physical boy to fill a role traditionally held by a physical girl, have the Roosevelt students taken a bold step for tolerance and individual pride, or have they blundered onto a slippery slope?

Take our poll and tell the world.



Thanks to MetaFilter for the tip.

On trial for the gunshot death of a female guest at his home, music producer Phil Spector spouts off some odd notions about women. Is he a nut, a murderer or both?

Click to play the video.

Then take our poll and let your voice count.

Age makes its mark on everybody in different ways, but for someone who has not yet reached her twenty-first birthday, sometime-actress Lindsay Lohan is looking as though the years have sped across her mug and burned some rubber while passing by.

The ever-vigilant Just Jared presents little Lohan's face as a visual sort of cautionary tale to fans and a plea for sympathy to haters.  Most observers agree that Lindsay entered the public eye as an unusually pretty and talented performer, but that's where the consensus ends.

Now, Lindsay inspires debate, such as the spirited media discussion of what exactly has gone wrong with this young woman who seemingly had the entire world for her choosing.

Should Lindsay lay low and give her image and soul some downtime for recovery?  Or should she barrel through full-speed ahead.

Take our Lindsay poll and inform the world.

If in fact sex-tape superstar Paris Hilton does end up spending a week or so in the protective custody wing of a Los Angeles jail, chances are her favorite smoking blends will be unavailable to her. 

Anticipation of deprivation to come must be what caused the gracious and generous heiress to risk public exposure as a stoner burnout by being photographed sucking on a hand-rolled fattie at last month's Coachella music festival.

The U.K.'s Daily Mail reports that, following Coachella and her sentencing to 45 days in jail on jurisdictional violations, Paris made a visit on May 13 to a local church service.

Does the fact that Paris walked out of the house of worship without having been striken dead by a lightening bolt mean that God is in fact dead?

Take our poll here, and let the world know.

One thing that separates men from women is that men are constantly compiling lists of the entertainment industry's hottest women.  The ever-vigilant Just Jared reports that testosterone-rich Maxim magazine has released its annual ranking of the 100 most sexually alluring females in the universe.

The Top Ten have few if any surprises:

1. Lindsay Lohan
2. Jessica Alba
3. Scarlett Johansson
4. Christina Aguilera
5. Jessica Biel
6. Ali Larter
7. Eva Mendes
8. Rihanna
9. Eva Longoria
10. Fergie

Except for Number 10 herself, who probably has a very hot publicist.  But anyone who digs into the depths of the list is bound to stumble across a bad pick or two.

Take this poll and tell the world who should have been left off the list.

If you are a nineteen-year-old with a sense of national duty, you're old enough to risk life and limb in Iraq.  But don't expect to be trusted with an account to MySpace and YouTube while you're over there.  The Department of Defense has announced that the popular social networking and video-sharing sites are among a handful that active soldiers will be denied access to.

General B. B. Bell makes a case for national security and military efficiency in limiting recreational Internet usage among troops in the field.

But how is morale expected to survive when the very freedoms our brave men and women are fighting for -- such as the freedom to post footage of your friends lighting their farts on fire -- is denied them?

The keen-eyed Hollywood Tuna survelliance tool is always on the scope for two things, or maybe three or four things, depending upon how the items are counted.

Tuna has posted photos of one of the world's most famous posteriors, a fundamental element so well-known that the luminary it is attached to need not even show her face, and still she will be immediately recognizable.

At least she'll be immediately recognizable to drooling enthusiasts whose fine-tuned survelliance tools are always on the scope for the same things Tuna scopes.

With today's proliferation of guerrilla video sites on the Internet, we can all now feel celebrities' pain.  Only a few years ago, a photograph of Kentucky-bred actress Reese Witherspoon lashing out at the attention of intrusive lens men would have caused viewers to wonder how such a nice girl ever got so stuck up.

Now, as captured by the ever-vigilant Just Jared, Reese's reaction only reminds the informed viewer of countless captures on YouTube or TMZ of paparazzi mobs chasing down, surrounding and hounding single mothers who only want to protect their children from harsh and needless public scrutiny.

Celebrity hunting often goes too far.  Why do we have so much trouble looking away?

The coming weekend promises to split moviegoers straight down the middle between serious zombie gore fiends and sap-loving fans of family drama, with a confused bunch in the middle who enjoy making a villain out of a boss in a wheelchair.



Zombies, like zombie movies, never actually to away for long.  At the end of 28 Days Later, a British zombie apocalypse seems to have been narrowly averted.  But just wait until 28 Weeks Later, and a whole new pandemic of flesh-eating fiends is unleashed upon the British isles.  Look for theater aisles to be filling globally.



Imagine the difficult career of the Hollywood casting director, the person charged with assigning specific big-screen characters to individual actors or actresses.  Whoever had that job for Georgia Rule really stretched their imaginations to sign-up Lindsay Lohan as a trashy California tart and Jane Fonda as the humorless old bag who tries to straighten her out.



Cripples can be funny, if mocked in a self-ironic, enlightened entertainment industry way, so feel free to treat your paraplegic friends to front-row handicap seats for opening night of The Ex.  Super-sensitive Zach Braff stars as a loveable lump who is persecuted by a meany who can't walk.  At lease the producers needn't worry about any paraplegics in the audience walking out on the flick.

Suavely marketed British band Razorlight were guests of honor at an after-show party last night at Pete Wentz's Lower East Side dive Angels & Kings.

Seemingly, the only media coverage Razorlight got were two photos of a model and an actress (Helena Christensen and Kate Bosworth) posing for photographers outside the bar.

Honestly, for all the good the promotion money that went into Razorlight's party did for the group, Helena and Kate could be hanging around in front of a boxing gym in Oxnard, California.

In recompense, free of charge, Buzznet presents this photo of Andy from Razorlight with two model fans -- the type who actually care about the band.

Evil-hearted humanitarians who have been keeping their fingers crossed in high hopes that X-rated-video star Paris Hilton will check into jail in June can prepare for disappointment.

Numerous news outlets are reporting that due to institutional overcrowding Paris's time behind bars is likely to be cut in half, and may conceivably be waived altogether.

There must be some punishment suitable to Paris's crime -- or crimes -- against society.  Maybe she should be forced to date that weasel-like kid from The Hills, Spencer Pratt.

If America Ferrara is every running short of cash, she can pull out a tooth and try to squeeze some dough out of Lloyd's of London.  Lloyd's, a venerable English insurance carrier, announced that it has issued a policy insuring the Ugly Betty star's smile for $10 million.

The policy is, at heart, part of a publicity stunt and charity drive for a company that sells teeth-whitening paste.

Of course a smile is more than a collection of teeth.  That eight-figure sum is a testemant to the spirit that lights up the Ugly Betty grill.

Small-minded nigglers can criticize Britney Spears for her musical indirection, for her lip-sync comeback attempts, for her perceived lack of commitment to quality parenting, and even for her atrocious choice in who would father her children.

But no one can fault the Louisiana popped-tart, as captured by the ever-vigilant Just Jared, on her sartorial bravery.

You can't just be clueless to go out in Beverly Hills dressed like this.  You need guts too.

Being the lead singer for Black Eyed Peas is the kind of high-energy endeavor that leaves a woman toned and tight.  But how does a Fergie keep in shape when her primary band is on an extended hiatus?

The keen-eyed Hollywood Tuna's surveillance tool has spotted the former Stacy Ferguson engaged in her secret workout regimen.

Is it any coincidence that Fergie's exercise routine of choice consists of moves that can be performed in bed?

From her vantage point atop Mount Celebrity, sometime actress Lindsay Lohan would seem to have a vast array of potential love interests from whom to choose.  And she appears to have picked British reality TV personality Calum Best.

Ever-vigilant Just Jared has captured Lindsay's mom, Dina, joining the happy couple at a New York hotspot.  In-house experts interpret Dina's body language as not entirely approving of her daughter's romantic choice, but plotting nonetheless to move in for seconds.

Calum Best has appeared on two seasons of the English TV property Celebrity Love Island and has caused sensations in his home-country's tabloids through such exploits as being photographed mauling Mick Jagger's daughter Elizabeth in the doorway of a nightclub.

Calum's biggest claim to fame -- prior to his Lohan hook-up -- was being the son of old-time soccer great George Best.  George Best was something like the David Beckham of his time.

So Posh Spice might want to view this photo as a kind of visual cautionary tale.

It is difficult to think back and remember what the hell Carmen Electra ever did to become famous in the first place.  Every high school has at least three under-parented prodigies of hotness who could stand next to Carmen and reveal her as an aging floozy poised on the steep edge of a slippery slope plunging toward the pit of cast-off sex pot oblivion.

But as long as famous ex-girlfriend and acclaimed former wife Carmen Electra has any elevation on Mount Celebrity, she will cling to that position with all her soul.  Carmen will go to the most-absurd lengths imaginable to stay in the public eye, including claiming to have written a book.

Hollywood Tuna takes a moment to marvel at Carmen's tome's title and content, and also to drool upon several collected images of her physical shell.

Honestly, if that's what Ms. Electra looks like when she's reading, she could never have left herself alone long enough to sit down and type out a book.



So, does Carmen Electra appear to be more intelligent now, or back before she became an author?

Adults can do whatever they want, and at 20 years of age, Mary-Kate Olsen is certainly old enough to buy and consume cigarettes.

As captured by the ever-vigilant Just Jared, the Mary-Kate half of the Olsen-twins empire has reached that stage of post-adolescent development where a hard pack of Marlboro reds is a must-have fashion accessory.

People, of the intrusive and controlling variety, worry that Mary-Kate may be setting a bad example as a role model to hordes of tween girls.

And if malls across the country suddenly fill with fourteen-year-olds decked out in what looks like leopard-print chair coverings stolen from the waiting rooms of Central American bordellos, then we will know just how nefarious the influence of Mary-Kate Olsen has been.

Standing out from the crowd has never been a problem for Canadian finger-flipper Avril Lavigne.  Distinctive and brash, Avril's attitude comes honestly.  Even her microphone stand is a customized display of girly, punky skull-duggery creativity.



If this is the microphone stand, imagine what the sublimely snarly Ms. Lavigne's next t-shirt line will look like.

The new album is called The Best Damn Thing.

Avril seems to demand nothing less.

Like politics, music can make for odd bedmates, and My Chemical Romance at first glance might seem like an unlikely pairing with Linkin Park.  The idea of MyChem's  Gerard Way and L.P.'s Chester Bennington sharing a pillow is in fact ludicrous (no matter how appealing such a vision might be to certain infatuated segments of the audience), but as for sharing a main stage?

The promoters of Projekt Revolution Tour like the idea so much that MCR has been signed on as the top band on Linkin Park's undercard.

Other guests on this fourth leg of Projekt Revolution -- running from July 25 through September 3 -- include Taking Back Sunday, HIM, Placebo, Saosin and the Bled.

Now here is a collection of musical iconoclasts who truly projekt revolution.

As usual, faded MTV reality bride Jessica Simpson's cleavage is instantly recognizable, captured fresh upon today's Hollywood Tuna.

But where did Jessica buy the alterations on that face?  Is there any chance for a refund?

Check out earlier shots of Ashlee's big sister's mug.  Is a surgical effect at work here, or are we simply witnessing variations in makeup and lighting?

It's not stimulation enough being the world's most famous soccer star and Mr. Posh Spice for David Beckham. 

As photos compiled by the ever-vigilant Just Jared show, Becks has taken to fighting the boredom of his international jet-setting life-style by tampering with the color of his hair.

Certainly, a large portion of the Buzznet community relates to the change-my-hair to kill an idle afternoon impulse, but the question must be asked:

Does David Beckham look like he's having more fun as a blonde?

Right about now, music lovers on the Left and East coasts are basking in the mellow psychological condition known as post-festival bliss syndrome.  Masses of song-seekers thronged to last weekend's Bamboozle gathering in New Jersey or to the Coachella celebration in the California desert the week before.



All those folks in the middle states have no need to be jealous.  To paraphrase the Miss E: Envy is such a waste of emotion.

Especially when all the days of Bamboozle and Coachella can be relived right here and right here, without all the trouble of actually leaving the house, paying for tickets, standing in line and shoving through mobs of your unruly peers for a decent view of Bjork.

Going pee is one of the most underrated pleasures available to a human being, but nobody gets as happy sitting on a toilet as the person purported to be Lindsay Lohan appears to be in these grainy cell phone grabs.

Last week, Buzznet apologists jumped to the defense of Lindsay when photos of a designer bruise on the former starlet's ankle set off speculation that Lohan had launched a fresh drink and drug run.

But Lindsay's claims of sobriety smell fishy on the site of Hollywood Tuna.

These stills are reported to show Herbie the Love Bug's love interest injesting cocaine in a woman's bathroom.

Hmmm.  Is that bruise looking more suspicious now?



Maybe it is time to move beyond the denial and start the healing.

Canadian-born burst of sunshine Pamela Anderson is mother to two sons, neither of whom is a teenager quite yet.  Still, children are maturing faster these days than ever before.

To judge by the latest views of Mom captured by ever-vigilant Just Jared, Pam's boys should be suspicious of any male classmates who want to come over to their house for after-school playtime.

Buzznet's red carpet demon Hanna Beth snuck her little brother, Marlon Merjos, to a gala reception for the cast of the super-powered NBC series Heroes.



In Part One of Hanna and Marlon's exclusive on-the-rug coverage, Heroes' "Mohinder Suresh" breaks character long enough to fall for the Hanna Beth charm, and Hayden Panettiere is similarly vulnerable to the spell of Marlon.



Part Two has the Merjos siblings talking soccer with Santiago Cabrera and video games with Masi Oka.

The question of the night?  Where's Milo, as in Ventimiglia.

Look for exhaustive views of that elusive Fergie kisser here.