I've got my eye on you

Suicide is a complex tragedy.  Who among us can claim to understand the motives and situations that cause a person to end their life prematurely?

Evidently news commentators in Australia have taken it upon themselves to link the self-inflicted deaths of Jodie Gater and Stephanie Gestier to the girls' love of certain music, categorized as "emo."

This presumtuous madness from the mass media has brought a reasoned and sensitive response from opinion writer Kathy McCabe.

We owe it to our friends and family to be vigilant for signs that some troubled person is sinking into a miasma of despair.  We should also admit that prejudging and generalizing our friends and family based on the music they enjoy or on their imaginative makeup and hairstyles is a disservice.

Being a celebrity attending swank parties for GQ magazine should insulate a person from having your purse stolen, but orbits of fame failed to protect well-known mess Kelly Osbourne from just that.

People who should know are saying not only that Ozzy Osbourne's daughter had her handbag swiped while at a bash for Gentleman's Quarterly this past Saturday, but also that work-averse actress Lindsay Lohan was the thief in the night.

Lindsay was not reached for comment, but she probably would only have suggested that Kelly might have eaten the bag without realizing it was not a sandwich

Those fans who felt that news of surprise shows coming from Britney Spears this Wednesday was too good to be true can now revel in disappointment.  Reputable news sources are reporting that the Louisiana popped tart has pulled the plug on a planned first step in the long road to a comeback.

Realistically, though, isn't staging a singing, dancing entertainment sensation so soon after emerging from rehab taking on more stress than might be sensible for the "Toxic" singer?

She might want to wait at least until her hair grows back before risking her ass in a public performance.

A 28-year-old self-confessed male escort has filed a police complaint charging "So You Really Want to Hurt Me" Culture Club singer Boy George with taking him into captivity and threatening to perform acts of sexual torture upon him.

According to Celebitchy, British police brought big Boy in for questioning and released him on bail facing conviction on false imprisonment.

Last year, outlaw George was sentenced to community service in New York City when police found cocaine in his apartment.  Manhattan's finest had been summoned to the apartment by Boy George himself to investigate an alleged robbery.

That incident, like the current arrest, began with Boy George inviting a paid male escort of dubious propriety into his home.

You'd think real name George O'Dowd would learn to stop picking up trash.

Fewer and fewer human beings remember the far off yesterdays when Madonna was a nubile sprite squirming across the stage floor of popular culture like an unwilling virgin looking for an orgy of mass adulation.

In fact, it's harder with every photo to even recognize Madonna as being worthy of a second look.  Is the woman in this photo an international icon of fashion and celebrity, or just another aging spa junkie who spends unlimited time and resources on a process of living mummification?

Leave it to the ever vigilant Just Jared to recognize the majestic Madonna where lesser eyes might see only a highly successful divorcee.

Shameless slapstick actress, authoress and talk-show anarchist Jenny McCarthy has risen from the unlikely starting point as a hostess on an MTV dating game to become an unshakable force in the entertainment universe.

Initially, audiences primarily saw McCarthy as a blonde person who happened to fill out a bikini very well.  That image has steadily evolved over the past decade.

Jenny has written, directed and starred in movies (admittedly, nothing with the artistic depth of a Citizen Kane or an Encino Man), and she wrote a pair of books about being pregnant and having a kid.

The indomitable Ms. McCarthy is now noteworthy on the news -- picked up in the Hollywood Backwash -- that her four-year-old son, Evan, has been diagnosed with autism.

Autism -- a developmental disorder characterized by severe limitations in a child's ability to communicate -- is reaching epidemic levels in the United States.  It will soon be hard to find anyone who has not in some way been affected by the malady.

Jenny is probably as well-equipped as anyone to meet the challenges that come with caring for and adoring a child afflicted with this harrowing disease, and not just because her boyfriend is professional spaz-tard Jim Carrey.

What Jenny has is an indomitable will and a big heart.  If past history is any indication, families touched by autism all over the country will benefit from Jenny McCarthy joining their ranks.

Pretend you are a high-school honors student.  You may not even need to pretend.  You, in fact, may already be a high-school honors student.  Imagine your surprise then when police take you down to the station and book you on a disorderly conduct charge based solely on a creative writing assignment in which all you did was follow the teacher's directions.

This unlikely scenario, according to the Chicago Sun Times, is the life of Allen Lee, a senior at Cary-Grove High School.

Admittedly, the excerpts from Allen's essay are tasteless, violent, insolent and perhaps every bit the juvenile cry for attention that might be expected from the darker strains of fan-fic found on Buzznet.

Plus, Allen Lee is of Chinese heritage -- so he bears a superficial physical resemblance to the mass murderer of Virginia Tech.

Still, if you were sheriff of Cary-Grove High, would you have sent Allen Lee to jail?  Or maybe just given him a C-minus and screw up that Honor Student G.P.A.?

Are aging MTV addicts the only people who remember when Ashlee Simpson was being groomed as the "punk rock" version of her sister, Jessica?

If fading memory serves, Ashlee entered the entertainment universe in the reality TV orbit.  She was presented as a scrappy brunette with limited talent and a honker nose who had come to L.A. to make a career in music doing things her own way.

As the ever-vigilant Just Jared shows, Ashlee's days of lip-synched rebel yells are long gone.

Now, the only thing she does that's not by-the-book celebrity behavior is Pete Wentz.  And even doing Pete Wentz might be getting a little celeb ordinary.

Every girl with any self-worth has standards about who she'll date.  For Spiderman's girlfriend Kirsten Dunst, any guy has a better shot at sharing her lip gloss than an actor.  Lawyers, nutritionists, even used-car salesmen would appear to have a better standing with Kirsten than the gentlemen who are her co-workers.  Still, Johnny Depp is an actor, and he seems okay.

Is it possible other exceptions exist to Kirsten's no-ham rule?

Don't worry if bringin'-sexy-back pop star Justin Timberlake looks a tad waxen sandwiched here between a pair of adoring fans.

Britney's first is looking a little pale and stiff here, but you would be too if you were actually a wax sculpture of yourself being installed in a London museum.

The reason you know it's not the real Justin in that white three piece and tie?  Because if an actual Timberlake were present, that face would be running down the suit like melted crayons.

If animals could speak for themselves, then maybe the rest of us would think twice about eating them. 

But since our furry friends are incapable of reasoned speech, it falls to the good ladies of PETA to raise awareness of beastly rights.

The PETA strategy seems to work on the premise that farm-grown lingerie speaks louder than words.

Fans of the Cottonmouth Kings are reaching for a brownie and a glass of milk, and then forgetting why, on the news that American marijuana contains higher levels of THC than ever before in the history of the drug.

Almost every kid in the United States has at least one stumble-bum parent or doddering uncle whose foggy brain activity can be traced back to youthful experimentation with marijuana.

Take a good look at those who have come before.  The stuff they were smoking was less than one-third as potent as the stuff being distributed on schoolyards and city parks now.

Draw your own conclusions about the brain damage and lame fashion choices that will be showing up in the smokers of today twenty years down the road.

Having earned more than a billion dollars before they exited puberty, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen can be assumed to have grown up with all the advantages money can buy.

As scores of candid tabloid photos, and the ever vigilant Just Jared, have shown, freedom from financial insecurity has given the sisters the courage to dress however the hell they want.

Now the twins have launched their own fashion line -- the Row.

Is it possible the young moguls are venturing into the wrong business?

The Internet can be a misleading place.  For instance, an online headline offering "People.com's Beautiful Stars Without Makeup" would seem to promise harrowing views of skanked-out celebs captured in mid-yawn after a three-week run of over-partying.

Such photo features are valuable.  They give those of us who never see ourselves staring out from Vogue magazine covers a chance to compare favorably to a beauty on a bad day and boost our visual esteem.

Unfortunately, the views offered of Drew Barrymore, Rosario Dawson, Rashida Jones, Jessica Biel, Rihanna and Katharine McPhee are still benefiting from some form of artificial beautification.

Maybe the images of these shining stars have been Photo Shopped or air-brushed.

Or maybe the women just read a Yahoo article on how to photograph like a beautiful person.

In our health- and fitness-obsessed culture, every human being with the least problems of self-esteem wants to appear to be a bit thinner than they actually are.  Especially when a camera is there to record your profile.

The all-powerful desire for slimness, and the insecurities around that urge, is so pervasive that even the Yahoo homepage is capitalizing upon our needs to meet unreal and falsely imposed standards. with a so-called news item titled "How to Look Thinner in Photos."

Here's the meat of the article:

• Turn partially sideways, planting one foot in front of the other.
• Pull your head forward to eliminate double chin.
• Hold arms slightly away from the body.
• Take a deep breath as you pull your shoulders back, chest forward.
• Look away from the camera, then turn towards it, breaking into a smile before the camera clicks.
• Wear an entire outfit of just one color.

If that doesn't work, the article stops just short of suggesting Photo Shop.

Or maybe a person could just be happy being the person that person is, body and soul.

Celebrities have it tough when it comes to getting wasted and making an ass of themselves.  The evidence never goes away, especially not now that we have online archivists who collect the ten all-time-lowest videos of famous f*c*-ups and posting them for all to see.

The biggest surprises in this group of ten?  Paula Abdul is only number 2, and Britney Spears didn't even crack the top five.

A-list party tramp and sometime actress Lindsay Lohan has been the subject of ire from Buzznet's most ardent users ever since irresponsible gossips suggested the freckled one had lured Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz into a romantic liaison.

That's nothing compared to the scorn of British Pirates of the Carribean beanpole Keira Knightley.  Keira is reportedly so pissed off at Lindsay right now that she has earned the honorary Presidency of the Lindsay Lohan Sucks Club, all without any help from a Pete Wentz infatuation.

Apparently, Lohan backed out of playing opposite Knightly in the film The Best Times of Our Lives three days before shooting was to begin.  The speculation is that Lindsay withdrew due to unfulfilled contract demands, igniting Kiera's fury.

The abandoned role, as wife of poet Dylan Thomas, will be picked up by Sienna Miller, a party girl who -- unlike Lohan -- is keeping at least one eye on where her career is headed.

Multiple entrepreneur Pete Wentz might be even better at marketing than he is at playing bass and writing songs for Fall Out Boy.  The 27-year-old Captain of Clandestine is reportedly about to open a bar in the Lower East Side of New York City.

The dive, called Angels & Kings, will have theme-named drinks, flattering lighting and a constant crowd of underage girls lurking about outside hoping to catch a glimpse of Wentz or one of his equally fascinating cohorts and co-investors -- which are said to include other members of Fall Out Boy and friends from Gym Class Heroes, The Academy Is... and Cobra Starship.

As for Pete Wentz, if he doesn't have a signature shampoo line out by year's end, somebody should get fired.

Revenge is a dish best served in gloating retrospect.  Confess your shadiest act of payback to Buzznet life coach Clint Catalyst.  Your covert history of sneaky and inspired duplicity against your despised enemies just might be transformed by Mr. Catalyst into a piece of cathartic literature.

So go ahead.  Cough up those heinous deeds or retaliation.  Be reborn.

Online sources are reporting that Star magazine intends to report that popped-tart Britney Spears is scheming to base her career comeback on a collaboration with booted American Idol figure-of-fun Sanjaya Malakar.

Supposedly, Brit wants to tap into Malakar's genius fan base, which is composed of the new minted versions of tone-deaf pre-teen sprouts who made Britney the huge monster she is today.

Creaky Boards "Brooklyn (Will You Love Me Forever?  Will You Kill Me Now?)"

A lot of kids feel they have a pretty rough shake at home, and often they do.  More and more parents are stressed by being a single head of family, by chemical dependency issues, by scraping by while working two full-time jobs.  And some Moms and Dads are just flat out mean, psychotic, cheap, neurotic or neglectful.

Which is why Alec Baldwin has been annointed Buzznet's Father of the Year.

As documented on Just Jared, full-grown adult Alec left a voicemail to his 11-year-old daughter Ireland calling her "a rude, thoughtless little pig" and promising "I'm going to straighten your ass out."

Almost every kid in America should realize that no matter how bad things are at their house, at least they don't have Alec Baldwin for an old man.

Thanks, Alec.  For making life so much better for so many kids.

Any viewers with a crush on Milo Ventimiglia from Heroes should proceed with caution.  In this teaser clip for "Big Girls Don't Cry," Fergie's lips lock on Milo's before yours have a chance to.

It's too late for American Idol's most reviled contestent ever to go back to a leading a normal, adoloescent and awkward life.  No matter where Sanjaya Malakar takes his floppy and fluffy head, he will be recognized.  The best this fractured warbler can hope for when meeting a new person, such as the guy behind the counter at the doughnut shop, is a smirk of derision.  The worst, which Sanjaya must prepare for, will be overt acts of hostility directed at him simply because he dared to dream.

For Sanjaya, his dream came to an abrupt and inevitable end last night.

Simultaneously, America at large can finally awake from its idol Malakar nightmare.

Too bad for Sanjaya.  But great for the rest of us.

The Cure "Boys Don't Cry"

The tabloid Internet was mildly amused shocked and scandalized today to learn that Lindsay Lohan's MySpace page, her gmail account and her Blackberry had all been hacked.

A series of co-called intimate photographs that were tamer than many Lohan candids easily accessed with an unrestricted Google search and a volley of texted messages purportedly batted back and forth by Lindsay and arch nemisis Paris Hilton were presented as evidence that freckle-buns Lohan's private information was soon to be released on an opportunistic website.

Not everyone, starting with Celebitchy, is buying the authenticity of these titillating artifacts.

The Gossip "Ain't It the Truth"

Maybe your friends back away and pretend not to know you at concerts when you whip out your invisible Telecaster and slash out razor-edged power chords. 

There is a way to make those shamfaced fake pals sorry.  Tune up that phantom instrument and enter the 5th Annual Air Guitar Championships, revving up throughout June in cities across America from D.C. to L.A.

If a guitar player who plays without the guitar also lacks transportation to one of the 14 tournament cities, videotaped guitar mime performances can be submitted online.  The 17 most adept non-players will be whisked off to New York City to compete against the reigning king of U.S. air guitar for the opportunity to shred for America at the global competition to be held in Oulu, Finland.

Two Cow Garage "No Shame"

The mystery has been cleared up for anyone who ever wondered how one person, such as Angelina Jolie, manages to emit enough sex appeal in the flash of a glimpse from one body to keep the population of a medium-size city hopping from bed to bed for a month.

Angelina Jolie's secret to projecting a superhuman erotic prowess may be that she started early.  Kiss and talky Jolie has regaled OK! magazine with tales of naked kindergarten makeout sessions with little boy classmates.

All across America, men approaching middle-age are wondering why they could not have grown up in Angelina's school district.

Megan Mullally "I'm Sexy"

Several weeks back, the entertainment tabloids struck a rare tone of graveness and respect with the news that actor Johnny Depp had taken a leave from his current movie to remain at the hospital bedside of his daughter Lily Rose.

Seven-year-old Lily Rose was reported to be seriously ill with a life-threatening infection.

Ever-vigilant Just Jared captures photographic proof today that good news does live:  Johnny Depp is seen walking in England with his family, including a robust and recovered Lily Rose.

Bobby McFerrin and Yo-Yo Ma "Grace"

Killjoy party-poopers among the friends and family of English model Kate Moss might be called spoilsports for objecting to her romance with needle-fiend Pete Doherty.  Who do the haters think they are, calling Pete a bad influence?  Don't they understand that true love is a beautiful thing?

Well, my dear romantics, pictures don't lie.  London's Daily Mail has published a group of pictures that show Kate Moss pre-Pete and in her current state of Doherty decay.

The Inbreds "Dope Fiends and Booze Hounds"

Loved by many, not-quite-loved by others, Internet hellion Kiki Kannibal will not go away without a website.

Since establishing her personalized Buzznet page, the Florida phenomenon has provided a source of controversy, comedy and envy with her defiant sense of style.

Kiki has ventured into the larger world wide web with a site devoted entirely to her artistic and anarchistic endeavors.

If you explore Kiki's home long enough, she'll lead you back to Buzznet.

Remember, you saw her here first.  And this is where you see her the best.

The May Festivalpalooza issue of Spin magazine is scheduled to hit newsstands on April 24. 

The issue raises at least two questions.  1) How many of the cover boys deserve to be ahead of Davey Havok for the can.  2) Why is Perry Farrell lingering to the rear of Mr. Havok?  and 3) Don't they have any women artists playing any of these festivals?

Over the television seasons, Dancing With the Stars has developed a reputation as a showcase of rhythm, grace and athleticism.  And then along came Paul McCartney's tormentor Heather Mills.

Don't stop watching before the climax.  You will be "floored."

Informed sources have claimed that romantically multi-linked actress Lindsay Lohan is desperate to portray loose-loving Fleetwood Mac songbird Stevie Nicks in a major motion picture.

This desperation, if Nicks is any judge of reality, may turn into a full-fledged frustration.

Nicks, whose multiple affairs with Fleetwood bandmates are credited with keeping conversation spicy on the Mac tour buses, has denied that any such movie is being made.

"The fact is," Stevie warbled, "nobody actually has a clue to what my life was really like. So, good luck Lindsay!"



Stevie Nicks isn't the only diva with secrets.  Recent reports are indicating that La Lohan may have lapsed into lesbian experimentation.

There are movie critics who claim that after what she did for Dukes of Hazzard and Employee of the Month, actress Jessica Simpson couldn't get arrested in Hollywood.

But the ever-vigilant Just Jared offers photographic proof that Jessica can get busted. 

The Newyweds divorcee is shown here moving from one Tinseltown nightspot to another, offering an arresting view to passing photographers.

Pregnancy rumors are never far from the surface with Jessica.  Mostly because she always looks as though she's carrying twins.

People often see themselves differently than they are perceived by the outside world, and glam rocker Marilyn Manson's point of view has always been uniquely his own.

Still, is the Antichrist Superstar blind?

Manson recently revealed to a French newspaper that his new 19-year-old girlfriend, Evan Rachel Wood, is "my double, my twin."

Maybe something in Manson's message was twisted in the translation.  Or, more likely, the singer -- in France to promote his sixth album, Eat Me, Drink Me -- was referring to qualities beyond what mere eyes can see.

In which case Evan Rachel Wood suddenly becomes far more interesting.

Before Emo there was Goth and before Goth there were the moping kids in the first wave of Punk, who had been inducted from the bummed-out tatters of Glam.   Which puts the roots of recreational sadness as a way of experiencing music back into the 1970s.

There were probably gloomy kids even before then, all the way back in the 1960s, listening to sensitive folk singers in dingy, dank cellar clubs and wiping at wistful, tearing eyes.

So, given the escalating nature of youth culture, it's no wonder that Buzzfeed has spotted a trend in Misery Clubs.

Party people in Japan and England have reported nightspots where patrons gather to share "exquisite misery."

No actual physical pain is inflicted.  The atmosphere at the clubs is more like that of a wake.  An evening of mournful partying gives all the emotional release of a traumatic grief.

Without all the inconvenience of losing your best friend.

Au Revoir Simone "Sad Song"

There are probably males and females on this site who have wondered what a bedtime playdate with Jared Leto, of movie screen and 30 Seconds to Mars fame, might be like.

With his precision-applied eyeliner and his reel of macho onscreen brawling, Mr. Leto is both sensitive enough for a woman and rough enough for a man.

According to the New York Post, stunning and sexy Krista Ayne -- a runnerup in Penthouse magazine's Pet of the Year sweepstakes -- has given her rating on Jared's mattress prowess.

According to Krista, Leto rates a seven (out of ten).

A seven is better than average.  But legions of 30 Seconds fans were undoubtedly expecting so much more.

The history of British pop is rich with bands whose creativity was fueled by American bands, whose creativity in turn was fueled by British artists.  So when people say that England's own rollicking tune slayers Razorlight play with a tinge of the Strokes, that's only half the story.

The vocals of guitarist/singer Johnny Borrell have been a tantalizing stream in his native land's airwaves since the release of Razorlight's 2004 debut Up All Night.

The band's second album, titled Razorlight, was produced by Chris Thomas.  Thomas was connected with a quiet English sensation known as the Sex Pistols.

See how that Strokes connection seems to come all the way around and inside out?

Borrell is shown here performing in Tokyo's frenetic Shibuya region.  If the band hits big in Japan, maybe they'll win over the rest of the world on the rebound.



Razorlight "Golden Touch"

Hardships have not ended for the Berlin Zoo's little orphan polar bear, Knut.

The cuddly white cub captured hearts and imaginations worldwide when Zoo officials defied German animal-rights kooks who insisted that Knut should be put down rather than endure the indignity of being raised by humans.

Now, news comes that innocent and beautiful Knut has been removed from public display due to an undisclosed illness.  The Zoo's lead vet has reported that Knut is being given antibiotics to counter an unspecified infection.

Knut's dilemma is certainly not the worst story in today's news.

But when the headlines are filled with slaughter such as what has devestated the Virginia Tech campus this morning, it cannot hurt to remember that the world also contains the sweetness as embodied by this cuddly bundle of polar fur.

Critics loved actress Sienna Miller's portrayal of doomed socialite Edie Sedgwick in the recent bio-pic Factory Girl.  Sienna was lauded for going deep within the Edie character and bringing an amazing performance to the surface.

As the ever-vigilant Just Jared shows the world:  A role isn't the only thing Sienna Miller can go deep for.

Everyone's favorite alumnus of the Casper movie, Christina Ricci, has been hired to play Trixie, the girlfriend of Speed Racer in a live-action version of the 1960s animated series to be filmed by the Bros. Wachowski.

Larry and Andy Wachowski were the pair of synchronized brains behind a little sleeper called The Matrix.

If this news ignites an urge for Speed, cool down.  If all goes well, the movie won't be ready for massive global pirating until summer of 2008.

Big Black "Racer X"

In the world of musical awards, none is more fiercely coveted than the Metal Hammer Golden Gods. This year, the competition for best album has pitted My Chemical Romance's The Black Parade against Iron Maiden's A Matter of Life and Death.




The Metal Hammer voting form can be found here.  What you do with it is between you and your sense of fair play.  But, seriously.  Did Iron Maiden really think they could rain on The Black Parade.



Iron Maiden "The Trooper"

Buzznet sent the inimitable Hanna Beth to interview the stars of HBO's man-candy series Entourage on an Academy of Television Arts and Sciences red carpet.  It didn't take the actors long to discover who was the real star of the event.


Hanna gets the Pinkberry scoop from Adrian Grenier.


Rex "Sexy Rexy" Lee tricks Hanna Beth into making a shameful admission.

For more exclusive red carpet Entourage video, go to Just Jared and hear Adrian Grenier's insightful, sympathetic and reasoned view of Britney Spears's recent public breakthroughs.  Vince played a part in Brit's 1999 video, "(You Drive Me) Crazy."

The Houston Chronicle has published a report detailing more than 1,800 child-on-parent assaults in one Texas county alone.

Kids are stabbing Mom or Dad (or both) with scissors, shoving them down stairs, slamming them with chairs as they sleep.

Are kids completely out of control these days?  Or are parents finally receiving the beating they've had coming for generations?

Pete Townshend "The Kids Are All Right"

We live in an age when a dreaded fashion faux pas has become a celebrity commonplace.  Shrouded in shades of brown to preserve a modesty that Jessica Simpson obviously does not cherish is the formerly endangered species of crass style known as the camel toe.

Thanks goes to World of Wonder for this capture from the wild.

There is new hope for guys and girls who can't seem to get a date with a member of the opposite sex.  In the past, failure to hook up with an other-gendered counterpart might be blamed on cruddy social skills, crusty physical appearance or craven destitution.

But here's another possiblity raised thanks to the inquisitive minds at Metafilter.

Maybe you're unable to connect across the great male-female divide because you are unwittingly driving a car that is gay.

Evidently, social scientists have isolated certain models of automobile that indicate gay bias.

This information gives consumers a whole new way to be homophobic.

Environmentalists have warned for decades that the earth is a perishable commodity, being trashed at an alarming rate, and that without the intervention of some divine force or social movement, the planet is doomed.

Well, Fall Out Boy are coming to the rescue this July 7.  Along with the Police and Smashing Pumpkins, the Chicago wonder kids will be headlining a massive, globally impacting concert at New Jersey's Giants stadium.

The show is part of the larger Live Earth event, with concerts scheduled on all seven continents to raise consciousness and cash.

Because when it comes to using up earthly resources, infinity is too high a price to pay.

Scholars of ancient history know that actress Lindsay Lohan was once the true love of restaurant scion Harry Morton.  Despite have sundered their life-long bond several decades early, Lohan and Morton continue to live in the same piece of high-end Los Angeles real estate, the Sierra Towers.

In fact, Morton's apartment is directly below Lohan's.  It's easy to picture Morton at home in his bedroom after a long night on the town, huddled under his covers, haunted by the sound of squeaking bedsprings from above.

As if that harrowing reminder of lost love were not enough, the New York Post is reporting that Lohan's plumbing malfunctioned, with burst pipes sending all manner of waste water down upon the abode of her former flame.

That deluge surely has squelched the last smoldering remnants of affection.

Any doubters who suspected that the reunited romance of Travis Barker and Shanna Moakler was a stunt designed to entice photographers to take the couple's picture while attending L.A. parties, such for Complex Magazine, should think again.

Actually, the Barkers have recommitted to one another as a means to taunt Paris Hilton, who attended the same anniversary party for Complex.

Those of us who enjoying minding other people's business will recall that Paris played a central part in Travis's boistrous public displays of affection while he was estranged from Shanna.  Much-publicized groping between Travis and Paris resulted in charges and counter-charges of violence between Shanna and Paris.

Unfortunately for Complex magazine, hostilities seem to have been kept beneath the photographic threshold at their anniversary party.

Decent-minded people all across Buzznet, and the world at large, have wailed, "For God's sake, let Anna Nicole Smith rest in peace!"

In life, the poor woman endured indignity piled upon infamy, suffering even the wrath of Rosie O'Donnell.  In death, Anna's name and bedtime proclivities continued to be dragged through tabloid headlines and the sewers of the legitimate media.

And the exploitation is far from ending.  As ever-vigilant Just Jared reports, blonde actress Willa Ford has been signed on to depict the late-former-model and diet spokesperson in an indie-film bio-pic.

Whether or not the shooting schedule goes over time will determine whether or not this flick is a scheme to make a quick buck.

In the past few months, everybody short of Angelina Jolie and Madonna has claimed to be the father of glamorous departee Anna Nicole Smith's sad little baby, Dannielynn.  And Angie and Madge probably would have claimed paternity except that Dannielyn wasn't right for the color palette of the children they already had at home.

But the miracle of modern day genetics has put an end to the arguing.  Entertainment photographer Larry Birkhead has won the DNA lottery and has bee
n proclaimed biological father of Dannielynn, beating out attorney Howard K. Stern, imprisoned stalker Mark Hatten, kooky foreign national Frederic Prinz von Anhalt and ex-bodyguard Alexander Denk for the prize.

Birkhead met his baby's mama in 2004 at a Kentucky Derby party in Louisville, which is Larry's hometown.

Maybe now this kid can get out of the news and go about the business of infancy.

If there was any doubt that underworld wizardry was at work in keeping Sanjaya Malakar's American Idol hopes alive, today's results from Yahoo! Buzz show the extent of his evil magic.

Statistics have proven that Sanjaya is more popular than Harry Potter, at least in so far as Internet searches go.

Or maybe masses of curious searches are trying to locate Sanjaya on the Web in order to focus some on-line hate upon him.

Be careful in thinking ill of Sanjaya.  Evil sorcerers don't take kindly to being bad vibed.  You could wake up naked with a horse.

All across America, unsuspecting college co-eds whose drunken spring break antics later turned up on their little brothers' VCRs are taking a smug smile of satisfaction.  Joe Francis is in jail.

Francis, the creator and chief benefactor of the Girls Gone Wild video series was arrested by U.S. Marshalls at the Panama City, Florida, airport on contempt of court charges.

Joe is reportedly being held at the Bay Country jail, in Florida, where he is no doubt wishing for a better-working air conditioner.

The Internet avidly awaits the next issue of Convicts Gone Wild: Spring Break!

Academy Award winner Halle Berry's talent and beauty are both beyond denial.  Her ability to integrate her actions with her reasoning, however, might leave room for improvement.

To listen to what the Catwoman star has to say in the current issue of Esquire magazine, Berry is through with being the focal point of superficial, intrusive media attention.

According to the New York Post's "Page Six," Halle is claiming to be done with interviews, with the coverage (and un-coverage) in Esquire being her last.


This sentiment might seem more sincere if she put a shirt on before delivering it.

Good taste has never been Britney Spears's strong suit, and now we see why.  Just Jared captured the Louisiana popped tart dolled up in a classy Prada mini-dress.

Sadly for multiple mother Brit, she pairs the delicate smock with a lame hat, a bad wig, a strained smile and a pair of Miss Piggy legs. 

The style misstep only serves to show that you can take the girl out of the government cheese line, but she still looks like a hunk of surplus dairy product.

Irene "Baby I Love Your Way"

Not every woman has the good fortune to be naturally slim like star of the little screen Courtney Cox.  For her less fortunate Friends, Courtney has a word of advice that needs not be spoken.  Girls who desire to be corpse thin no longer need freakish genetics to achieve that next-to-death trimness.  Simply use the tools God gave them.  The middle finger.  It comes with the Courtney Cox stamp of approval.

UFO! "Skinny Girlz"

Englishwoman Kate Walsh is just like any other 23-year-old who hangs out in her friend Tim's bedroom, records an album of acoustic-guitar driven songs there, and then names them Tim's House.

The thing that separates Kate from so many other musical hobbyists is that her album rose to the top of England's iTunes charts, knocking off Take That and Kaiser Chiefs.

Record companies keep complaining that on-line distribution of music cuts into their ability to make profits.  Maybe there's a lesson to be learned from a 23-year-old woman in Brighton.



Kate Walsh "No Time to Look"

Super thin supermodel Kate Moss may have been one of the world's most-famous inspirations for the rail-thin waif look, but that doesn't mean Moss is a prejudiced weight-ist snob.

The ever-vigilant Just Jared has captured rockin' Kate outside West Hollywood's Troubadour nightclub with Beth Ditto, from the iconoclastic rock performers The Gossip Girls, and an equally weighty friend.

Maybe part of Kate Moss's beauty is that she sees beauty where superficial twits might miss it?

She has bumps and she thinks of herself as being some kind of delicious, but Fergie can hardly be thought of as covergirl material.  So when she attended the 40th anniversary party of the Wilhelmina agency, no one went up to her and said, "Hey, are you one of the hot chicks from The Agency?"

Fergie "Fergalicious"

Question: How do we know that Keith Richards's claim of having snorted his cremated father's ashes was a bit of a put on?  Answer:  In real life, if Keef thought he might catch a buzz from his old man's powdered remains, he would have shot the stuff up.

Despite the obvious falsity of the old Rolling Stone's ludicrous claim, executives at Disney have let it be known that Keith will not be doing publicity for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End, in which the decayed guitarist plays the father of Johnny Depp.

Who did Disney think they were hiring when they signed one of the most notorious drug addicts still alive?

Bogus and Bonnes "The Addiction"

Fashion-mogul to be Ashley Olsen looks out-of-sorts on a recent L.A. afternoon.  Has she accidently misplaced her sister Mary-Kate?  Or is she just waiting for the soy latte to kick in?

For the real skinny on Ashley, consult Just Jared.