I've got my eye on you

While on location in the tropical paradise of Hawaii filming the blockbuster television series Lost, highly paid star Evangeline Lilly appears to have contracted a rare and grievous disease known as facial insufferanoma.

The ailment has its roots in deep psychological imbalances triggered by sudden privilege, wealth and professional acclaim.  The primary symptom is the patient's unshakable belief that the act of smiling will be fatal. 

The frowning malady was first brought to the public eye by extreme sufferer Calista Flockhart of Ally McBeal.

The only known cure, temporary and partial at best, is simultaneous and unanimous kissing of the afflicted person's ass by every human being who crosses her pouting, cranky path.

Ben Affleck is often and -- it seems unjustifiably -- derided as a stiff masquerading as an actor. 

According to his detractors, the star of such artistic peaks as Gigli and the one where he wore tights (that would be Daredevil) has no dramatic range.

Such criticism is dispelled forever by these three photos, each taken from a different extreme of the many, varied faces of Ben.

In the first photo, Mr. Good Will Hunting flashes his "I've just been to the dentist, and my face is frozen full of novocaine" expression.

In photo two, the prince of Jersey Girl presents his interpretation of: "My jaw has been wired shut to prevent me from attempting a European accent."

In the third, most difficult pose, Matt Damon's biggest professional embarrassment shows us what "I had a stroke and half my face is paralyzed, but I have a powerful agent so you're forced to hire me anyway" looks like.

Oh, wait.  There's been a mistake.

The dentist face is actually photo three.  And Ben's wired-shut smirk has been mislabeled with his stroke-victim grimace. 

With an actor of Mr. Affleck's subtlety, the finer distinctions are almost impossible to see.

The nose of junkie-loving supermodel Kate Moss seems to be going through as many changes as her wedding plans. 

The before and after aspects of these two photos are painfully obvious.  What is not so easily discerned is the cause of the apparent trauma to Moss's proboscis. 

On anyone else, Michael Jackson for instance, such nasal disfiguration would immediately be blamed on cosmetic surgery gone awry.  But Kate's nose in its pristine state was one of the cutest buttons mankind ever knew.

What sort of abuse or misadventure could possibly have caused this unsightly damage to the Moss schnoz? 

It's a puzzler.

She may not be quite so indiscriminately hungry for young males as is the local Army recruitment officer, but if you're a sturdy guy with no defects or diseases, there's a better than average chance that Lindsay Lohan wants you.

It would be out of line to smear Lindsay as what in the days before Laguna Beach and Paris Hilton would have been referred to as a slut.  Still, it's safe to say that the two soldiers flanking the redheaded tyro are not there to guard what in simpler times would have been called "her honor."

Nobody's making any judgments, except to judge from Lohan's own words.

"Sex and the City changed everything for me," confesses the hot-lap starlet, "because those girls would just sleep with so many people. And that's me. I'm not dating just one person."

Despite this forward-thinking attitude toward her genitals, Lindsay harbors traditional values in her heart:

"If I'm going to give my body to someone, I'd rather them not be with other people. It's very old-fashioned."

It's as old-fashioned as the old double standard.

Perhaps Lindsay should adopt a military policy toward her stable of "lovers."  Don't ask, don't tell. 

At least not until the herpes sores sprout up.

Big man on Baywatch David Hasselhoff tells People magazine online that he is taking his divorce "one day at a time." One day at a time is a code phrase often tossed around by alcoholics in the public eye to give the impression that they are seeking private treatment for their ailment.

Hoff's image has staggered lately under several six packs of rumors that the man who has shared the small screen with the likes of Pamela Anderson and Yasmine Bleeth has degenerated into a loutish, stumbling drunk.

The 54-year-old beach boy has consistently denied an unhealthy dependence on alcohol.  Denial is, of course, the number-one symptom of the problem drinker.

In truth, there's no conclusive indication here that David Hasselhoff is due for a trip to rehab. 

But his armpits sure are detoxing something.

Most women, if given the choice of dating Mission Impossible throb Tom Cruise or Flavor of Love lunatic Flavor Flav, would opt to go out with the Public Enemy clock man.

So goes the reasoning of Viacom honcho Sumner Redstone.

Redstone made news earlier this year when he invalidated the contract of Tom Cruise's production company with Paramount, a movie studio that falls within the Viacom domain.

"Women everywhere had come to hate him," says Redstone of Cruise in the current Vanity Fair magazine.  "He turned off all women."

Redstone speaks for a wide range of media outlets, including VH1, a prized spawn of the Viacom parent.

One of VH1's proudest recent productions has been Flavor of Love, a twisted-reality show in which the network effectively pimps out desperate skanks to the deranged affections of Flavor Flav.  Highlights of the past season included a contestant defecating in the living room in the midst of the other contestants.

Redstone, who presumedly signed off on the poop-in-the-parlor Flavor segment, says of Cruise: "His behavior was entirely unacceptable.  He was embarrassing."

The fact that women prefer Flavor Flav to Tom Cruise is somewhat surprising news.

The notion that Sumner Redstone is capable of being embarrassed is outright shocking.

Take a photo or video of yourself with the "Saturday Night Wrist" CD, in stores October 31, and be eligible to win one of six Deftones prize packs.

Ever since she sauntered to indie film favoritism as a disaffected party girl in 1995's skateboard rat flick Kids, lazy-eyed blonde Chloe Sevigny has exuded an easy stoner grace that could easily have been tweaked into major movie stardom.  The one obstacle in Sevigny's rise to franchise status is her tendency to take parts in freaky and twisted scripts that turn into artistic, adventurous box office disasters.  Like Gummo or The Brown Bunny.

Chloe did receive Oscar attention for her role as a cross-dressing girl's girlfriend in 1999's Boys Don't Cry.  But it was last year's HBO play on polygamy, Big Love, in which she portrays wife number two, that floated Sevigny into the mainstream current.

Mega-dollar success, as a superhero's girlfriend or as an action-film adaptation of a comic-book character, would seem to be the next plateau in Chloe's world domination.  Unless she does something stupid, such as play the understudy at a Tijuana donkey show in a film financed by Romanian gun runners.

Insiders speculate that Sevigny has started wearing spectacles at her agent's suggestion.  Whether or not there is any glass in the lenses, if Chloe gains the appearance of being more intelligent, maybe she'll stick with smarter career choices.

For Desperate Housewives troublemaker Marcia Cross, not all drama is on the set.

If the New York Daily News can be believed,  the risque redhead may be facing more exposure in the coming weeks than she and her publicist could have ever wished for.

Phoenix, Arizona-based agent David Hans Schmidt, who famously brought the Tonya Harding honeymoon nudes to the pages of Penthouse magazine, claims to be in possession of up to 200 personal photos of copper-top Cross.  The pictures, some snapped in an outdoor shower, reportedly offer conclusive proof that Marcia is a redhead through-and-through.

Schmidt says he is representing a team of trash men who discovered the photographs at a Los Angeles dump after hauling debris from the home of Cross and her husband.

Playing a sophisticated game of finders-keepers; losers pay up, Schmidt has gallantly offered the famiy Cross first bid on the pictures.  The agent is willing to sell the visuals back to the couple, rather than shop the material to magazines and Internet sites.

Don't fork over the dough too fast, Marcia.  Look at how high Lindsay Lohan's profile rose after she become known as a "fire crotch."

If there is one thing famous people cannot stand, it is passing up a chance to enter a Halloween costume contest. 

Consequently, Buzznet's Trashylife Trick or Trash competition has become the contest to win among stars at the Hollywood heights.  Pictured here are early entries from national figures who are, to put it bluntly, desperate for your attention.

Former Madonna boyfriend Dennis Rodman, who hopes to be judged a winner as Gene Simmons, stands next to the real Gene Simmons, who has donned the disguise of himself as he might appear in an exhibit at the Coney Island Wax Museum of Grumpy Old Men. 

Jane's Addiction's habit-forming guitarist Dave Navarro has chosen to present himself as a spokesman for Tobasco sauce, and reality TV trainwreck Danny Bonaduce is pretending to be a guy on Cops, a role he may yet play in his actual life.




Unfortunately for these famous masqueraders, Buzznet's Trashylife contest is open only to Buzznet members in good standing.  So click on the Trick or Trash box to the right of this item and enter soon and often.

Or go here:  http://www.buzznet.com/groups/trashylife/

Has the frustration of never knowing whether or not she will be killed off from week to week, combined with the unrelenting oddity of the Lost existence, finally driven comely Canadian Evangeline Lilly to the brink? 

These photos seem to indicate that the show's breakout star has taken matters into her own hands.  The pictures tell a story: If the Lost writers and producers can't deliver Ms. Lily back to civilization, they risk her hitting the water and paddling for home.

Halfway across the beach (luckily for network execs and Wednesday-night viewing-party planners), sweet Evangeline realizes that she is leaving Sawyer behind, at which point she turns around and trudges back to the set, hoping that her co-star will be kind enough to have his shirt off.

Lyrics from the song "Fergalicious" have a whole new taste in light of Fergie's pantie exposure.

"Always brotha's gather round, always looking at me up and down looking at my (uuhh)
I keep on repeating how the boys want to eat it
I'll be tasty, tasty, I'll be laced with lacy
It's so tasty, tasty, it'll make you crazy."

Rapper Snoop Dogg needs a course in airport management.  The high hound of hip-hop was arrested yesterday at California's Burbank airport after a routine traffic roust turned into a weed and gun bust. 

Real name Calvin Broadus must be feeling deja vu all over again, and not just because of the cerebellum shifters he may or may not be smoking.

It was only this past Monday that sly Snoop was detained at Orange County's John Wayne Airport when a 21-inch collapsible baton was extracted from his luggage.

Earlier this year, the world's most-famous rhyming pooch was grabbed by cops at London's Heathrow airport and accused of violent disorder and affray.

Maybe Snoop's hours logged as a Soul Plane pilot went to his head. "Captain Mack" shouldn't be bothered by the insignificant irritations like security lines.

Reports out of Hong Kong paint tightly dressed crooner Mariah Carey as a special needs prima donna who can't put asses in the seats.  According to Asian promoter One Events, the Glitter girl submitted a last-minute list of backstage demands that was far more urgent than the demand for tickets.

Carey's camp fired back that the Hong Kong connection was blaming Mariah for their own shallow pockets.

But put this Academy Award-winning actress behind the wheel of a car, and be prepared to skid out of control on the road to terror.  And that's why a Broom-Hilda wig, a pair of cantaloupes and a steering wheel is one of this year's fastest selling Halloween costumes.

Twinkling sprite Brooke Hogan, the daughter of wrestling legend Hulk Hogan, was thrust upon the stage of world fame as a background character in VH1's unlikely family drama, Hogan Knows Best.

Evidently, Hogan knew something that every talent scout in America had missed: That his baby Brooke was raw material for pop-singer stardom!

Brooke's reviews have been less than unanimously enthusiastic, with a large portion of the populace dictating that her debut album, Undiscovered, should stay that way.

Brooke could use a little love.  So let's say something good about Brooke Hogan.

1) Brooke Hogan makes Britney Spears seem dignified and graceful.

2) Brooke Hogan makes Kelly Osbourne seem dainty and tuneful.

3) Brooke Hogan has helped female impersonators the world over feel that they are doing a great job, comparatively.

4) Brooke Hogan has been a tireless guinea pig at Tampa, Florida's Remedial School for Hair and Makeup.

5) Finally, we now know who would be the ideal girlfriend for Barney the Dinosaur.

Malibu-spawned actress Dominique Swain was only fifteen-years-old when she landed the part of early bloomer Dolores "Lolita" Hayes in the 1997 remake of Lolita.  The movie is the story of a middle-aged bachelor who falls in love with a teenage girl.

During filming, the press played up the concern for protecting Dominique's innocence.  Every time the nubile performer sat upon the lap of her adult co-star and on-screen love interest, Jeremy Irons, a towel was said to be positioned to prevent any accidental physical contact.

Little-girl precautions seem to be a thing of the past with Dominique, judging from her appearance Wednesday at a party in honor of the Xbox 360 Gears of War.

Now is the time for Dominique to pull out her Lolita towels and make some old man like Jeremy Irons happy on eBay.

As if going through life known as "the boyfriend of former 'N Sync singer Lance Bass" is not tough enough, self-proclaimed actor and model Reichen Lehmkul must also endure the hardship of confessing on Inside Edition that he has received physical threats.

Lance's boyfriend, who was the grand-prize winner on season four of CBS's Amazing Race, is clinging to the semi-celebrity limelight with all the ferocity his manicured fingernails can summon. 

Bass's buddy would have been filed under O for Obscurity long ago if not for having persuaded the boy band heartthrob to publically admit his homosexuality. 

With his name recognition waning, Mr. Lance (or is it Ms. Bass?) released a memoir titled Here's What We'll Say: Growing Up, Coming Out, and the U.S. Air Force Academy. 

The book recounts a sexual assault committed upon the future 'N Sync sidekick while he was enrolled at a military school. 

The book's positive reviews have been outnumbered by promises of harm coming in from "people who do not want me to be so public and expose what is going on in the military," said the ex-soldier, speaking from deep within Lance's shadow.

The most dire threats have been turned over to the FBI.  Unfortunately, even that fabled bureau of investigation is unable to remember who Lance Bass's special friend is.

Ever since The Osbournes debuted on MTV, inquiring minds have asked, "Since Ozzy Osbourne is such a toned physical speciman, how did he end up with a hog of a daughter like Kelly Osbourne?"

The answer came in an October 18 People magazine interview with Ozzy's wife, Sharon Osbourne.  Explaining her own behavioral tendencies, Sharon, mother of Kelly, revealed, "I'm a pig."

Oink mother, oink daughter.

For the past two years, Nicky "the Classy" Hilton sister has inexplicably jetted everywhere from Miami to Las Vegas with wee Entourage star Kevin Connolly at her side. 

Perhaps sick and tired of being forever pressured to wear flats instead of heels to accommodate her boyfriend, Nicky has squared her shoulders and risen to her full height. 

According to Star online, Nicky and Kevin have called it quits.

No longer will the winsome heiress slouch in the presence of tabloid photographers just because Kevin is in the frame.

Nightlife sources speculate that Kevin's potential replacements are lining up already for Nicky's approval.  New suitors are required to be tall enough to ride the toy cars at Disneyland without an accompanying guardian.

Perennial anger-management candidate Naomi Campbell has thrown another temper tantrum.  Reuters News Agency reports that the intense English supermodel was arrested by London police and accused of assaulting a woman in the alleged victim's own home.

According to British press, the supposed target of Naomi's glorious rage was the raging diva's drug's counselor, who suffered  scratches to the face.

The impulsive covergirl spent twelve hours locked in a cell before being questioned and released by cops.

Campbell has a history of violent news events.

In 2000, the volatile vixen pleaded guilty to assaulting a former assistant, and in March 2006 Campbell was arrested in New York City and charged with opening a four-staple wound in the back of her housekeeper's head with a cell phone.

If Naomi and Russell Crowe ever hook up and spawn, every battered kid in their preschool will wish they'd worn a rubber.

In the super model's defense, being Naomi can be hell, particularly while slaving in the shadow of more successful contemporaries.

Imagine the last words heard before Naomi struck this time: "If you ever call me Tyra Banks again, I will bloody kill you."

The concept of super powers has changed drastically from the time of Batman, Superman, the Incredible Hulk and even Wonder Woman.  Our contemporary Heroes, as envisioned by NBC TV, are softer, more human, with emotions, needs, desires and a sensual, intimate side. 

And, in the case of Hayden Panettiere, the indestructible blonde "Claire Bennet" of Heroes, they wear hot underwear.

Being a Hollywood starlet would seem to be the ideal job, but every career has its occupational hazards. 

What other American worker has to worry about pesky cameramen sneaking up from behind to shoot hanging-buttock photos, and then plastering those photos all over the media universe?

This particular pretty young thing is in possession of a high-profile, a bright future and an exposed rear guard.

Can you match a name to the face?

Shown here attending an October 17 showcase at London's Pigalle Club, the chubby, middle-age man who calls himself Boy George is gearing up for his annual trick-or-treat escapades.  Boy's costuming may seem excessive, but October 31st is less than two weeks away.

Until the ascendance of Pete Doherty, Boy George was among Britain's top-two pop-star drugs casualties (in partnership with George Michael).  Being pushed back off that list by the Babyshambles singer has caused the Culture Club warbler to long for times past.   Where did the days go when all a fella needed to do for worldwide attention was dress up like a homely Bohemian girl and waft about onstage like an overdressed hula dancer?

Don't be too harsh on the sad old thing for putting on the fancy dress and hoping to recapture that long-gone masquerade glory.

Pictured left are former reality TV star Jane Wiedlin and a couple of cuties.  Although she had a hall-of-fame career as songwriter and guitarist for L.A.'s revolutionary pop-punk band The Go-Go's, Wiedlin is known for breaking down and weeping under pressure from rap girl Da Brat during the fourth season of VH1's The Surreal Life. 

Doggedly pursuing a comeback trail, Jane and her pair of good-lookers are participating in the 2nd Annual Beverly Hills Mutt Club Fashion Show.

Really, since it's a fashion show, they could have dressed the mutt a little better.

Monday night saw the stars come out in Hollywood.  A-list talent such as Brooke Shields, Courtney Cox, Drew Barrymore and Sheryl Crow cluttered up the red carpet in tribute to a hairy, incest-loving journalist from a backward nation on the primitive outskirts of Eurasia. 

The famous crew were all at the Mann's Chinese Theater attending the world premiere of Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan.  As hard as it seems to believe, these camera-savvy performers, and also lesser celebrities such as Andy Dick and Courtney Love, were all taken in by a movie-making trick.

They do not realize that Borat is actually comedian Sacha Baron Cohen, the same guy who played a French homosexual in Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby.

Borat, as all fans of cross-cultural studies know, is a man who craves romance inside a lady.  In fact, Borat is a perv.  His weird tastes have been formed by being raised in a nation where the women and the farm animals are often used interchangeably.

Knowing Borat's beastly appetites, which of these pretty Hollywood faces was the Kazakhi superstar most likey to take home for to share the liquid explosion?

It appears that at least one character on Lost is going away and will not be happy about it.  Going away as in die.  TheTailSection.com suggests the Top 10 potential corpses.

The insanely anticipated new collection from My Chemical Romance, The Black Parade, is finally in stores today.  This third studio album from singer Gerard Way and his co-conspirators is an ambitious and audacious concept project.  Professional critics are tossing around names like Pink Floyd, Smashing Pumpkins and Marilyn Manson for easy comparisons, but who needs professional critics and their easy comparisons?

The true test of any work of art is how well it plays on Buzznet.  That's why The Black Parade Album Review Contest is now in session.

Listen to the album, then show the professional critics how a review should be written.

Put your album reviews for The Black Parade here!

buzznet.com/groups/mcrfans/sets/paradereview/

The BEST and most original album review will be featured on the Buzznet homepage with the photo you submit. Keep all entries to a 100 word max.

Make sure you submit your album review in the form of a journal post. You can upload a picture along with your journal, but only album reviews uploaded as journal posts will be considered.

All entries must be in by10/26/06 at 11:59 pm PST.

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Shown here are before and after photos of romantically slumming ex-O.C. actress Mischa Barton at the October 20th Jenni Kayne dinner at Curve.  This information raises pertinent questions.  Who the hell is Jenni Kayne? What is a Curve?  And why did doctors allow that hairy mole growing out of Mischa's left side to expand to such outlandish proportions?

For her dessert course, Mischa chose to have the growth surgically excised. 

Ah.  Doesn't that feel better, Mischa, to be your own woman again? 

The relief is in her face.

Now that he's 17 years old, boyish actor Daniel Radcliffe is determined to show the world that he is all grown up, in the flesh. 

Best known for his portrayal of nerd-chic wizard Harry Potter in the film adaptations of the wildly successful series of H. P. books, Radcliffe has signed on to make his London stage debut in the play Equus.

Healthy teenage girls and twisted old men on both sides of the Atlantic are aflutter at the news.  Young Daniel's role requires him to appear fully naked astride a horse.

"If I can pull it off," says the wand-waving star, "I hope people will stop and think, Maybe he can do something other than Harry."

To Radcliffe's most avid fans, it doesn't matter who he plays or what he pulls off.  They will always want to do Harry.

Malawian farmer Yohane Banda, 32, appears to be having second thoughts about his 13-month-old son, David, going home to his new London home with spiritual trailblazer Madonna.

"I am just now realizing the meaning of adoption," said Yohane to the Associated Press.  "I see no reason I should give my son away."

Perhaps Mr. Banda is just now realizing the meaning of terms such as "seller's market" and "top dollar."

For more on the saga of Madonna and child, consult: http://skorps.buzznet.com/user/journal/65265/

Anna Nicole Smith's life would already seem to be an embarrassment of griefs.  Her ex-husband's family has disowned her, her 20-year-old son, Daniel, died practically in front of her eyes, and an ex-boyfriend has demanded a paternity test on her new daughter, Dan-nielynn.

Anna has certainly made questionable choices during her rise from trailer park debutante to jet-set celebrity, but the latest public indignity is coming entirely as an accident of birth.  

The TrimSpa supermodel's own flesh-and-blood is out to make a heartless buck off of her.

Anna Nicole's half-sister, Donna Hogan, has published a book with a title that leaves no doubt about its cruel intention: Train Wreck: Anna Nicole Smith Unauthorized.

Donna's compassion toward her suffering sibling can be summed up in the line, "What a freaking waste of a human being my sister is."

Imagine how mean Donna would have been if she hadn't been able to make some money off the train wreck
.

If gossip monger Liz Smith from the New York Post can be believed, Marie Antoinette actress Kirsten Dunst is gearing up to portray iconic punk chanteuse Debbie Harry in a movie based around the adventures of Debbie's proto-punk-pop band Blondie.

But rebel redhead Lindsay Lohan is rumored to be recording an album of Blondie songs; so executives in charge of synergy may be pushing for Lindsay to play Debbie on the big screen.

Who would make the better Blondie?  Kirsten?  Lindsay?  Someone else altogether?

The story of Courtney Love is an unlikely and calamitous rise from dysfunctional adolescent isolation to the pinnacle of celebrity train wrecks.  Disaster, rancor and tragedy litter Love's path, with no Courtney acquaintance more hard hit by her deranged ambition than she herself.

Fittingly enough, the story of this gutter-to-penthouse diva, from Faber and Faber publishers, is being released on Halloween. 

Also fittingly enough, the working cover of Dirty Blonde: The Diaries of Courtney Love is pushing a photo of the Hole singer's butt, rather than her mug. 

During her tenure as a public figure, the widow Cobain has shown the world a variety of faces wider than any other celebrity, with the possible exception of Madonna.  But if there is one place where Courtney Love has been consistent, whether by design or inescapabe fate, it is in letting her ass hang out.

The clean-shaven sex appeal of Killers lead singer Brandon Flowers is a thing of the past.

Newly fuzzy faced Mr. Flowers is shown here during a recent visit to the Toronto, Canada, studios of the MuchMusic network.  The voice behind "Soomebody Told Me" and "Smile Like You Mean It" seemed to be having a little trouble getting used to his bristly addition.

Don't be surprised if Brandon's smooth-lipped look becomes a thing of the future again.

Warbler Pete Doherty takes a break from his grueling schedule as the planet's most high-profile drug addict to appear on-stage in Florence, Italy, harmonizing with his band, Babyshambles, and presumed fiancee Kate Moss.

Pete's consistently erratic stoner behavior has caused his band to cancel countless shows, has disrupted super waif Moss's supposed wedding plans and has turned Doherty's ruddy, tanned face into a pasty, waxen shell of its former self.

Thank God for the healing power of music.  But wait.  Wasn't the infamous video of Kate Moss chopping mountains of cocaine filmed in a recording studio?

Let's all hum along and hope for the best.

The streak of bad press for hip-hop hotshot Fabolous continues in the thug vein.

The 28-year-old rap star's real name, John Jackson, was revealed earlier this week when New York City police arrested him on weapons charges while he was being treated for a gunshot to the thigh at a local emergency room.

Security cameras at the scene of the shooting -- Sean "P Greedy" Combs's restaurant Justine's -- have complicated the storyline.  Twenty minutes before the assault on Fabolous, the cameras caught two friends of the rising rapper snatching a $50,000 bling chain from the neck of NBA point guard Sebastian Telfair.

Telfair is seen making a phone call.

In the time it takes a security guard to smoke two cigarettes, a pair of assailants arrive and put a bullet into Fabolous.

If this were The Sopranos, the next news story out of New York would uncover a scheme by Fabolous to hire a gunman to shoot him full of street cred.

Perhaps being nailed in the press every day for bringing home a half-orphaned Malawian lad after her African adoption shopping spree has satisfied middle-aged pop maven Madonna's appetite for transgressive imagery.

Executives at NBC announced that the new mother has agreed to drop the song "Live to Tell" from their November 22 broadcast of her "Confessions" tour. 

The Catholic-damaged old thing's antics during "Live to Tell" included donning a crown of thorns and hanging from a big, gay cross.

Of course, the whole world has been awash in media saturation of so-called decent folks lamenting Madonna's crapping all over the memory of Jesus.

Her work up there has been done.

Katie Holmes and Lindsay Lohan have more in common than a first glance might indicate. 

Both are young actors of remarkable talent.  Each has at least one performance that was widely acclaimed as a star-making turn.  (Pieces of April and Mean Girls.)  Both Katie and Lindsay have reached media saturation due to what are seen as bizarre behaviors -- Katie for her marriage and seeming subservience to a member of a feared religion; Lindsay for excessive and unprofessional party antics.

Almost simultaneously, the private lives of these women have largely overshadowed their cinematic accomplishments.

However, Holmes and Lohan have one glaring difference between them. 

The satiny white fabric between Katie's thighs gives a clue as to what that difference is.

Television housewife Eva Longoria doesn't look very desperate for attention on a recent night out in Hollywood.  Eva's NBA boyfriend Tony Parker isn't in the picture, but fleet-footed Dancing with the Stars stunner Mario Lopez is very high profile in his appreciation of Eva's back-court moves.

Usually, when a girlfriend looks as busted as Eva does here, somebody is having more fun than she's supposed to.

Rapid cycling Lance Armstrong and Texas tyro Matthew McConaughey have taken an unusual step forward in their relationship.

Unlike such high profile pals as Brendon Urie and Ryan Ross, Lance and Matt have come out as heterosexuals in the current issue of Details magazine.

How often do secure straight guys need to assure the world they're not gay?

Like an old man who's run out of viagra, sex-tape superstar Paris Hilton seems to be sensing something floppy in her future. 

If the New York Post has credibility, Paris has repeatedly backed away from premiering her new film.  The movie, National Lampoon's Pledge This, has nowhere near the high concept appeal of One Night in Paris, although topless girls reportedly do feature in the plot line.

The production is headlined by stars Simon Rex and Randy Spelling.  Simon is best not remembered from his role in The Karate Dog, and Randy's most acclaimed performance to date has been his real-life portrayal as Tori Spelling's kid brother.

Speculation has Paris worried that if Pledge This drops a fully limp dud, the X-rated heiress will forever be unable to crush the spirit of Lindsay Lohan.

The anticipation, such as it was, is finally over. Jeffrey Sebelia has been crowned Project Runway's new prince, like so many of us knew he would be.  A flagrantly tattooed, self-described former gutter junkie, Jeffrey is shown here receiving congratulatory suck ups from blonde losers Alison Kelly and Uli Herzner.

It's a toss-up whether new-dad Sebelia is more excited about the $100 thousand prize money or about being the filling in a blonde sandwich. 

Just outside of this picture is the portion of Jeffrey's anatomy that is now available for kissing by bitter redhead Laura Bennett.  Laura won the Best Crap Talker portion of the program, but grossly failed to back up her attitude with sufficient aptitude.

The sad thing about Ben Affleck's next movie is that it probably won't attract anywhere near the attention of a two-year-old video clip.  Filmed in Montreal and meant to promote the stinky 2004 flop Jersey Girl, the previously unaired segment features Affleck, his mental faculties seemingly impaired, groping the interviewer and urging her to go topless.

For long stretches at a time, Affleck adopts a French accent.  Affleck's mastery of French inflection explains why he is never cast as someone who speaks with an accent other than his native moron.

Advocates for disabled persons have been outraged by this clip, complaining loudly that Affleck mocks sufferers of cerebral palsy by briefly pretending to have the disease.

Buzzline researchers have viewed the video repeatedly, and we still can't spot any section where Ben stopped being himself and started pretending to have spastic motor impairment resulting from brain damage.

What is it about late-to-work actress Lindsay Lohan that makes her so happy when she's doing bad?  First she tries to pose as an old-school punk-rock chick.  Now she's attempting to duplicate an Escape from Alcatraz convict walk, cupping her cigarette as though she's strolling across the penitentiary yard.

No one's saying that the freckled hellion needs to act as a role model for Partnership for a Smoke Free America.  Still, would it kill her to dial down the glee a notch or two?

Now that the nose has been surgically unbumped, Ashlee Simpson's face may be more pleasing to the world at large, but cross-eyed Jessica Simpson is the girl who's closest to Daddy Joe Simpson's heart.

These dreamy, erotic studies were taken on the set of Jessica's "I Belong to Me" video shoot. The photo credit is claimed by Jessica's papa, jolting Joe.

Some observers felt that pater Simpson's influence was a tad creepy when daughter Ashlee was conveniently dating Joe's protege Ryan Cabrera.

How skeevy is it that the woman in the pictures above and below was once a sperm cell coming out of the man behind the camera?

Sure, Jessica is 26-years-old, but someone should call in Child Protection Services.

Whether she was accusing fellow contestants of dropping the N-bomb before being fired from The Apprentice or torturing poor, deluded Janice Dickinson for the final indignities on The Surreal Life 3, thick-gummed ego-maniac Omarosa's only shred of authenticity is that she's a genuine back-stabbing, two-faced horror show.

Now there is twice as much Omarosa to loathe.  In a desperate bid to prolong her quarter-hour of infamy, the formerly flat-chested, man-handed, big-foot bruiser has tripled the size of her tits.  Naturally, the surgical process was recorded for a Discovery Channel reality show, Plastic Surgery Before and After.

Omarosa always carried herself with the clunky femininity of a blundering drag queen.  Post-surgery, she looks more like a sex change than ever before.

Here's the question:  Is Omarosa a woman who used to be a man?  Or is she a man who used to be a woman?

Survivng Beatle Paul McCartney must be kicking himself in the ass with one of his future ex-wife's fake legs for not doing a more-thorough background check before swearing to live for richer or poorer with estranged landmine activist Heather Mills-McCartney.

It's not disgrace enough that British journalists have published indications that Heather Mills has nude "erotica" modeling and high-price prostitution in her history.

None of those jobs could have paid close to the half billion dollars Mills stands to gain from her time servicing Sir Paul's John Thomas.

The money is the least of what Paul will pay.  According to published reports, Heather's game of hardball divorce includes accusations that the happiest Beatle stabbed her with a broken wine glass, shoved her pregnant into a bathtub (she was probably dirty) and forced her to crawl on hands and knees to the bathroom rather than allow her to pee in a bowl under the bed.

Attorneys for McCartney assure the world that these allegations will be aggressively defended.

It should be an easys battle.  After all, Mills has only one leg to stand on.

Veteran viewers have griped that the third season of Bravo TV's Project Runway has been a let down, but that hasn't diminished the controversy and debate about who should be named America's Next Top Designer, which will be revealed tonight at 10:00 p.m.

Red-headed and pregnant Laura Bennett's clothes may be boring, but at least she's always had something nasty to say about her competitors.

Michael Knight started strong, has talked very little trash, but seems to have lost his visual identity just when he most needed to find it.

Uli Herzner consistently maintained a sweet disposition and produced wearable, flattering pieces; so consistently, in fact, that she veers toward the one-trick label.

And then there is Jeffrey Sebelia.  Made a mother cry.  Accused of cheating.  A drug history Pete Doherty would envy.  Some cool, original clothes.

That's only one know-it-all's opinion.

Who do you want to win?  Who do you think will win?  And why.

There are older people in America who remember a time when MTV reality divorcee Dave Navarro was a member of a band.  However, every day fewer and fewer of the codgers who can name what instrument Navarro played are still alive.

Despite Dave's reason for being famous is more and more obscure, his allure to ladies is stronger than Superman's b.o.

If the New York Post can be believed, Navarro was so mobbed by women -- including Playboy centerfold Stephanie Larimore -- while lounging at the Miami, Florida, nightclub Mansion, that the sofa they had all piled on broke.

A special bodyguard was detailed to keep marauding women at bay.

Dave Navarro is a man who needs to hire another man to protect him from women who want him.

Somebody please explain how this is possible.

Those kids on MTV's Laguna Beach make such stupid decisions.  It's almost like they're all strung out on dumb drugs.  But not even Nikki, the kid sister of habitually slack-jawed, nose-rubbing Tyler, would be idiotic enough to be chopping cocaine in front of a functioning camera.  Lameness of such advanced degree would be unimaginable in a television celebrity.  This probably isn't even really Nikki.  She's at the library, studying with friends.

Any time either pervy Paul Reubens or goth-damaged Brian Hugh Warner slip between the sheets, they have created a case of strange bedfellows.

Better known as Pee-wee Herman and Marilyn Manson, this pair of seminal entertainers came together on October 16 during the world premiere of Tim Burton's The Nightmare Before Christmas 3D at Hollywood's fabled El Capitan Theatre.

Maybe Pee-wee is holding out his camera to forever capture the convergence of Antichrist Superstar and Billy Baloney.  Or  perhaps convicted sex offender Reubens is showing off candid loincloth photos from his Balinese vacation.

Either way, Mr. Manson wears the expression of a man who hopes this picture doesn't end up in a police evidence file.

You might think your life is tough.  Maybe you're under pressure from school, job, romance and family.  You may suffer from anxiety over choosing whether to be a week late with the rent or to cough up your medical insurance co-pay or to actually put some food in the refrigerator.

Perhaps your everyday stress is compounded by an awareness of world events, such as if you or a loved one are serving in Iraq.

Still, you don't have the problems of Victoria Beckham, the former Posh Spice. 

Imgine the day-to-day horrors of being Vicky.

Your husband is the most handsome, most popular, richest sports star in the history of the world. You have so much money to spend on clothes that you hire an army of fashion vultures to go out and find the best outfits for you.  You are a mother, but you need never know the smell of your kids' poop.  You don't even have to look at your own face while someone else puts on your makeup.

Everyone can agree that life is hell for Victoria Beckham.  How does she deal?

"Nowadays I multitask, planning outfits while I'm doing something else -- getting ready for bed or taking a bath."
-- ex-Spice Girl Victoria Beckham, on how she manages the pressures of daily life


If Posh can step up, so can you.  So stop complaining. 

Rich and famous post-adolescent women are just like any other girls.  They need money, and they can't stop talking on the phone, especially if they are the former Lizzie McGuire, Hilary Duff. 

After failing to capture universal acclaim with Material Girls, Hilary is in search of an identity that will sell.  The Disney-girl-gone-bad market is sewn up by Lindsay Lohan.  And there seems to be very little demand for Hilary's grown-up child virgin.  In this age of video-driven hit singles dripping with explicit sexual content, it doesn't help that Hil's most memorable theme song was called "Come Clean."

Hopefully whoever is on the other end of that phone is giving Hilary direction for the new image. 

How's this for starters?  Ms. Duff shouldn't wear jeans with the knees torn out unless she earned those holes honestly.

Just when you get used to Paris Hilton looking like she suffers from mild Down syndrome, new visual evidence appears that the sex-tape superstar in fact is victim of a far more severe mental impairment.

These recent photos of the X-rated heiress exiting the Sally Hershberger Salon could easily have been snapped at the intake counter to the Dumbo Valley Simpleton Asylum.

The saddest thing about these visions of slack-lipped incomprehension is the nagging certainty that even worse pictures are on the way.

Buzznet isn't about to sit and do nothing while waiting for the coming onslaught of moronic Paris Hilton captures.  We say, "Bring them on."

Send us the scariest depiction of Hilton imbecility you can find.  We'll post the shocking proof of IQ deficiency as it arrives, and you can win a doltish, "That's hot."

The star power of Spiderman girlfriend Kirsten Dunst is all-encompassing.  The thin, blonde New Jersey native needs only walk past an average Jolene on the street to suck that obscure person into the sparkling orbit of celebrity!

Seen here on the sidewalks of Manhattan while promoting her queenly role in the Sofia Coppola-directed Marie Antoinette, all-powerful Dunst forever changes the life of an incidental pedestrian.  Never again will this unkown brunette dwell in the drab world of work, family commitments and budgetary considerations.

So why the hell does she look like she's seen a ghost?

Sadly, the legendary CBGBs has played its last power chord.

This New York lowlife Bowery bar was both shrine and incubator to the ungovernable noise that would come to define what we call punk rock. 

The final performance was headlined by poet shaman Patti Smith.  Patti closed the show with an incantation invoking the names of all the musicians who have died since playing CBGBs.

Despite heavy loses over the past three decades, many veterans of this world-altering dive are still alive, and the music intself may prove to be eternal.

Here's the test portion of Buzznet's ongoing tribute to the home of punk:  Which photo is out of place on this page, and why?

The first ever Fuse Fangoria Chainsaw Awards have all been handed out, and nary a drop of blood was shed.  Inaugurated to acknowledge excellence in cinematic gore, the event was held in Los Angeles' storied Orpheum Theater.  Dark luminaries in attendance included Jared Leto, 30 Seconds to Mars, Avenged Sevenfold, Fallout Boy, Jada Pinkett Smith and Danny Trejo.

Proving that the family that slays together takes home the most pointedly dangerous trophies, cock rocker turned schlock director Rob Zombie and atrocity actress wife Sheri Moon picked up matching kudos for their work on The Devil's Rejects.  Rob snatched the "Killer Movie" statue, and Sheri turned it into a bookend with her "Relationship from Hell" prize.

The only question that remains is:  What the hell was Avril Lavigne doing there, and how did she get out alive?

It used to be that reality television captured our sick, twisted fascination with all things celebrity, then fed it back to us in barf-sized bits.

Now, semi-celebrity coverage has turned into a fame factory that creates a media world that bombards our every waking moment. 

In effect, reality TV now creates our reality!

Case in point, chaunteuse Brooke Hogan. 

Despite the obvious fact that daddy Hulk Hogan has a monopoly on physical grace in the Hogan family, Brooke's exposure on the VH1 brain-carcinogen Hogan Knows Best has poised the lumbering, tone deaf Jessica Simpson-wannabe on the brink of stardom.

Don't be fooled by Brooke's appearance.  She may look like she's heartbroken over being cut from the boys football team, but Brooke is a dancer and a singer who has an album, Undiscovered, ready to saturate all media channels.

Somewhere in America, a young woman with talent, a voice and charisma is ready to jam a pair of chopsticks through her eardrums.  Hopefully, that can land her on a reality show.